Untitled.

A new year is coming, and I have one decision to make.

I'm still unsure if I should stay or go.

I thought I knew what I wanted, but one thing now is holding me back in a way. It made me think a lot more than what I was thinking before.

God does work in mysterious ways, but maybe I'm afraid.

I've always despised change so much that I'm coming to realize that I will do anything to stay far away from it.

'Whatever it takes' still seems to be embossed into my mind and stubborn heart. It's the memories. And the loneliness...

Why hasn't it disappeared?

Why do I always refuse to let go?

None of this makes sense to me...

I can't say that I'm moving on, because God and I both know that the truth is I still love him. And there are times where I still find myself growing angry, or sad, or frustrated, and I can either cry myself to sleep, or I won't even realize that I'm crying.

I mean, I'm not as bad I used to be, but the pain is still there. I've just learned how to hide it better and not let it take control. But sometimes, it almost does. And that's when I want to leave more than anything.

I still don't have friends here.
Yes, I have my family, but sometimes, family isn't what I need. Sometimes, I just need that one person that I know will always be there and isn't part of my problems. Actually, that's not sometimes; it's a lot of the times.

I miss having that one person that I know I can go to no matter what that can keep a smile on my face through anything. That will understand me and not judge me, and that I can just be myself around. I miss it so much.

If I didn't have him, then who else did I have? No one.

I hate that it's so difficult to let go. I hate that I always let myself get so attached, but I've never really had anyone like he was there for me. Could I really be to blame?..

But regardless of my emotions toward him, I'm trying my best to put them aside to give him the push he needs to move forward like he wishes to. It's always been this way. I just want him to be happy more than anything. If me being out of his life is what he needed, as much as it hurts me to still know and recall that fact, I will do my best to push my emotions aside and encourage and support him to keep him happy.

In the meantime, I have so much mending and so much to try and figure out.
There's so much to be thought in so little time...

Why do I have to think so much? /:

Goodbye.

Tomorrow is it; My last day at Rancho Verde High School.

Then, it's Christmas, and then a brand new year...

Wow. Time moves fast.

Today, I looked through my old photobucket, and it brought back too many memories. From my freshmen year to my sophomore year.

Man, how I've changed and grown so much.

But I think I'm ready to move on to a new year. A new start. To a school I've already attended, but maybe meet different people, or just actually enjoy my last semester of high school for once.

This time, it will be different. Hopefully better, but definitely different.

I'm ready. I think.








No; I know I am..

One Year Ago,

I started this blog.

I'm not sure if I will continue writing in this blog or make a new one just yet.

Chances are I'll probably make a new one, but who knows? I change my mind pretty often.

A year ago, my life was so much different than it is now. A year ago, I was happy. Complete.

Now, I don't know where to go from here..



Only time will tell, I guess.

Goodnight.

A Change of Heart.

This week has been pretty...interesting, I guess you can say, ha. A LOT has happened. Looks like I won't be in Perris by the end of December anymore. So, my choices are Rialto and Ontario. I have yet to chose between the two. Personally, I feel that Ontario is a better choice at the moment.. Not just because it's home to me, but I don't know. Well, we'll see what happens.

I just need a break away from everything. I love my family with all of my heart, but I am literally about to snap. But when I feel like this and we get down Riverside Dr. in Rialto, I feel a sense of relief, and I don't know, I just feel home. I guess one of the main issues is that i'm homesick. ha.

Well, yeah, that's pretty much whats been up with that.

Write more later. Bye.

Almost Fixed.

Uhm, yeah, it's been a while since I've blogged. A lot has happened since the last time I've written on here.

All I can really say is I wish I had never moved.

I miss the semi-normal life I haven't had. ha.

How is it possible to miss something that you didn't have for years now?

How is it that everything can just fall apart within a matter of weeks?...

I really need somebody right now.

I miss talking.

I miss being held.

I can't even cry anymore really.

I guess, I just miss him more than anything...

:/

I love you, Penguin. And I miss you...
You'll always have that special place in my heart, my love.
And you'll always be my best friend<33

Sounds and Theory

is a band Andy's in. They are super amazing! I love their music, and I'm Andy's number one fan!! haha. Well anyway, for anyone interested, they are playing at The Wire in Upland on Friday, November 13th, and at the Glasshouse in Pomona on Sunday, November 15th!! The tickets are selling for $10 bucks. So if you guys want to hear really amazing, inspirational music, GO, GO, GO!!! Help support them!!!!

Also they will be selling merchandise soon, so anyone interested in going to their shows hit me up on myspace: myspace.com/straightjacketkid

I will hopefully be attending the show on the 15th and I definitely hope to see you there!!! Thanks for your support!!! (:

Almsot Literally Walking Taller.

This is the longest that I've gone without writing in such a long time. And the sad thing about it is that I have internet, ha. Well, things have been a bit better in some ways I presume. I still have a 3.6 GPA, and I've kept my weight off. I'm still at 183. Uh, for Andy and me? Well, things are working out better I believe. I still don't see him everyday, but three days out of the week is way better than seeing him only once a week. We haven't really fought in the past few weeks, which I know is a good thing.

Thank God that he's stood by my side this whole time. I honestly believe that without him, I would just go insane. I honestly hate being home. It kind of feels like I live alone a lot of the time. Everyone's always on their own. Dad's on the computer or watching a movie, Mom's cooking or talking to my nina or just on her own, Rene's on the computer, and the girls are always in Vivi's room; as for me, I just try to find ways to keep busy too, I guess. Sometimes, it's impossible to do that here though. It's too quiet. And it's the same routine everyday.

I'll wake up, go to school, and come home to nothing. It's sad that sometimes I make myself have homework just so that I have something to do. But it's fine, I guess. I have three A's and 2 B's right now. Don't know if I will for sure have my 4.0 by the end of the sememster, but I'm working at it.

Lately though, I know that God's been helping me out. Like my mom's been cooperating with me about going to see Andy once or twice a week and that's a plus from seeing him on Sundays. Also, Andy got promoted at work, so now he sell's guitars and his pay is higher, and he seems a lot healthier and happier. I'm so happy for him. Although, sometimes, I wish I could be better for him. But I'm really trying my best. I honestly am. I try to go as many times as I can to see him, but gas money is a drag to find. Sometimes, I have to dig for quarters in a drawer and in the car and stuff, haha, but honestly who doesn't do that nowadays?

Yeah, looking for a job up here is the worst. I've applied at a bunch of shopping centers, but most of them are empty a lot of the time, so since business is slow, a lot of stores really don't need people. Ah, economy. I hate it.

But yeah, like I was saying, he got promoted and well, now he has his days off Thursdays and Sundays, and since we go to Rialto every Sunday, I will officially get to spend one whole day with him instead of spending two or three hours with him only. Thank you, God. It feels good to be able to do that. I miss him a lot of the time, but lately I've been seeing more of him, so that's a good thing for our relationship. Uhm, what else is going on?...

Oh, yeah, I dropped choir. It was just getting to be too much on my family and me with the whole money issue. I mean, we barely have enough money to afford for gas and such things, I felt selfish for having to ask for money for a dress and trips cause I know that that money will benefit my family more. Plus, the stress was getting to be too much. Yeah, I could've raised the money somehow, but the truth is, I already have enough to worry about. I honestly didn't want to have to stress anymore than I really need to. And plus it was also a few other things that were bothering me in that class, so I just dropped it. Now, I'm just a TA for my English teacher, Mrs. Thomas. Haha, but I'm the only student in her class cause I'm a TA for her prep period, so sometimes, I have to wait outside and people think I'm ditching, haha.

Honestly, and sadly, I feel less stressed now that I dropped it. My day goes by soo much quicker and I feel like I have a small weight lifted off my shoulders. Yeah, I've taken choir for five years, but this year it just became too much for me. I do miss singing, but what can I do? For now, I just have to focus on my family, which includes Andy, and graduating.

Life at this point is... better? Nah, I'm not really sure if I can say better, but it doesn't feel as miserable as it did a month and a half ago. I mean, I miss home so so so so much. I still miss seeing bums in the street and I miss liquor stores, and not having to drive ten to fifteen minutes to the nearest Wal Mart or Stater Bros. and I miss waiting for Andy to come home and I miss being held by him and I miss being able to do my own thing in my own house and I miss living in a city that's not too loud, but it's not empty, and there's SOME type of ghetto going on, haha. I miss home.

I know that this year, my holidays are gonna be soo much worse than any other year. Most of all cause I won't be at home. I think that helped me feel a bit of spirit. Just knowing that you're home and that you have the person you love most to cuddle with. I really miss that. But who knows? Maybe I can spend half of the holidays with Andy's family and then come home and spend the rest with mine. I don't know. I'll have to make the best of it somehow. But to make matters worse, this is the third year that I've known Andy and I still won't be able to get him anything. I know that he doesn't expect anything, but I wish I could at least give him something small. He deserves it and so much more for all that he's done for me and my family.

All I can do for now, is look forward to a new year. A better year hopefully. One where there will be less struggles. One where I can possibly go home. One where I can start my own life. Possibly have a car, a little bit of money, and gas at all times. One where my dad won't have to worry as much. Oh, God, how I wish for nothing more than for my family not struggle so much anymore. They don't deserve it. I know that we as a family deserve so much better. If anything, we've been there to help soo many people. What have we done wrong? Where did we go wrong?...

Well, all I can do is hope and pray for more strength. For now, I have to be strong. I will proceed my findings for a job, and keep my head up, and keep my GPA up, and keep working on my relationship with Andy. Those are my priorities for now. Well, it was nice to do this and catch up a little on blogging. Happy Halloween to everyone. And for those out there partying and having a good time, be careful. Thanks for reading. God bless!  

7 Days

'til we go to Knott's Scary Farm :DD





How exciting!!



p.s. I've been a bit hopeful.
I know things will get better...



<3

Broadcast to You From a Mind and Soul Under Construction.

For those of you who are blessed enough to be where you'll never know you truly wanted to be,
appreciate it.

I know that this may not make much sense for most of you out there,
but only if you've been through the things that I've experienced,
you would know what I mean.

Nobody will ever know how much pain it costs to not be able to be near the one you love so dearly,
or to have to carry this huge smile on your face, when in all reality, you feel it.
You feel that you're whole world is falling apart, and it's up to only you now to hold everything together.
Nobody knows what it's like to have your entire life just brutally torn away from you within a matter of days. Unless you've been in my shoes for at least five minutes, you'll never know.

Everyone has their story to tell.
I have mine.
My life may not be as bad as others economic-wise,
but I've lived quite enough to know what pain is.

Pain is loving your family so much,
that when both your parents can't work,
you have to see your little sisters wear hand-me-downs,
and not be able to enjoy the life of a normal childhood.

Pain is spending every single day with the only person that has your heart,
and then one day,
you can only spend one day a week with him,
and then everything begins to fall apart.

Pain is trying to hold love together on your own.

Pain is not having stability or security.

Pain is not being able to do one fucken thing.

Pain is having to sit back and watch everything happen when you feel, believe,
and know that it just takes one phone call to fix everything.

Pain is loving to sing more than anything in this world,
but now everytime that you talk out loud for more than ten minutes,
your voice begins to hurt.

Pain is believing that the world doesn't always revolve around money,
and then getting proved completely wrong.

Pain is what my life is about.

It may not be physical pain.
It may not seem as difficult as it reads,
but this is my life.
This is the pain that I go through daily.

Only I will ever know what this feels like in my heart,
because this is my life.

For those of you that complain because you don't like where you live and you have your own house;
For those of you that say you're in love with your boyfriend and have the privilege of being able to see them everyday, but you don't because 'you get annoyed by them';
For those of you that can have and can get what you want and need that you just need to ask your parents for the money and they can give it to you within the snap of a finger;
For those of you who think that you can't;

Learn to appreciate that you have your own house.
Learn to appreciate that you can see your boyfriend everyday.
Learn to appreciate that you can have exactly what you want when you want it.
And for those of you that think that you can't, always remember, and believe that you can...

My life is officially under construction.
I don't want any interruptions.
So if I don't talk to you, or respond back to you,
I'm sorry.
But I have things to fix.
And I will fix them.
Things will be bigger, and better than they ever were.
I promise.

Best Accomplishment By Far.

These past few weeks have been pretty hectic and really stressful for me, and the stress will continue to happen, but thanks to this stress, I've lost 17 pounds since August.

I am now back to weighing 183, and this was all without a diet, ha.

I will be back down to my size 11 pants in no time (:

Okay,

I lied. So what? We're all human right? Well, things aren't back exactly to the way they were, but I'm working on it.

My short term goals right now are:
_Get a job
_Pass this sememster with a 4.0 GPA
_Fix everything with you<3
_Buy Christmas presents for you and my family

Yeah, it's a lot, but I believe that once I find a job, it all should be downhill from there. With the help from God, I will keep my strength, and accomplish these goals. I promise.

Unfortunately Unfortunate.

It's officially here. That point in which I feel hopeless. I feel broken. I feel alone...

Too much has happened to write about.

I kind of want to stop blogging for a while; I'm drained. My heart has never felt so much pain. I hate my life.

I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT!

All I want to do is sleep because dreaming is the only thing that seems logical, and fair at this point.
I hate this!!!! I want him back! I want him back! I NEED HIM.

It's not fair that the only thing stable that I have in my life gets torn away from me. I'm so depressed. I can't even leave this house. I'm so angry!

I just want to sleep. It's the only thing that seems logical at this point in life.

I won't be blogging for a while for those who care or are just being nosy.
Idk how long it will be. I just don't want to do anything right now...

I quit writing.

Have a goodnight everyone, and be grateful that you're not me.

Bye.

So, my dad's back got better. I think, ha. Thank God.


And I have lame homework that I have to get to.




Eh.




P.S. My phone just started acting up bad.

New Goal:

Pass econ with an A.

I have a test tomorrow that I know I'm gonna fail for sure, so I just know I have to work twice as hard on the next chapter.

Lame.

I will pass with an A.

Life In Perris.

It's only been a week and a half, and I already miss hearing the sound of police cars, couples fighting, and some type of birds chirping. I even miss seeing hobos on the corner of streets, ha. It's so quiet here. Don't get me wrong, it's a really nice area, but it's not my scene. I miss living in very polluted areas, and hearing a bunch of cars pass by my house. I miss not having to drive twenty minutes to the nearest Wal Mart, or Stater Bros.

And school is... uhh, small? Ha.

Okay, so after the whole 'Blue Hands' blog, I didn't go to school on Monday which was supposed to be my last day at Chaffey. I was still way too sick to attend, sadly. Which I now regret because now, I am a whole week and a half behind in econ, and I have NO IDEA what they're talking about over here.

Oh yeah, yesterday was my first day of school here in Perris. The school is called Rancho Something High. I keep forgetting. It was a long, stressful day. I have to take Health over here because it's required for graduation over here, which I find annoying because i'm stuck in a class full of a bunch of crappy sophomores. I have to take a psychology class to make up for the elective where I was a T.A. for Mr. Lewis at Chaffey. The teacher seems pretty cool though. I hope it's as interesting as I thought it would be. Econ is a pain in the butt. I feel like I'm so behind, and I'm so lost.

On the plus side, their choir seems really interesting. All of the kids in the class are really friendly, and they're really good. And they travel. They plan on going to Seattle in the spring. The down side is that it costs $750 dollars per student. And they don't do fundraisers. They want to us to pay off the trip in monthly payments until we get to $750 by springtime. It sucks for me, cause I don't have $150 to give for a deposit, and even if I did, how do I even know if I'm still going to be here by the end of the school year? It'll just be a waste of money. Their dresses cost $85 dollars as well. I'm thinking of just dropping choir for this year. It seems too expensive for my family's conditions. I don't know. It's still something to ponder deeply about.

As for Andy's and my relationship, it's gotten really tough on us. Imagine going from seeing the person you love most everyday to seeing them only on the weekends. It's really, really hard. Especially because we are the only thing each other has. I miss him more and more everyday. Yes, I do have my license, but it's still difficult for me, because my family and I only have one car. It's hard to go out and be with him for just two hours because my family will probably need the car that day for something else. And to make matters worse, I don't even have a cell phone. My family shares one phone, and the majority of the time, my brother has it, or my mom's using it to talk to my grandma and talk to others as well. I feel bad asking for it and hogging it up for a whole day. Thank God I just got Internet though. Right now, that's all I can count on. I'd be so lost without it, ha.

Oh, and to add on to my whole sob story, my dad's back is really messed up again. He can barely walk. That whole situation with his back is a big mess. I just want my dad's court case to settle already. I would explain more into detail what exactly is going on, but it's too much to explain.

Well, yeah. That's been my whole experience here in Perris for now. I know, I sound like I'm complaining a lot and that I'm not grateful for what I have, but reality is, I am grateful. We have a roof over our heads, food on the table, health (well, most of us anyway), etc.I'm really happy for that. I know that God is putting us through this all for a good reason. We just have to be more patient and see what's next, and wait for some kind of sign. In the meantime, I have to work on staying positive, being there for my family, and Andy, and trying to keep my grade up in econ. Yeah, I miss home a lot, but the only left to do is move on and keep my head held high, right?      

Blue Hands.

This weekend was no fun at all for me. Everyone's all sick in my house, and Saturday morning I woke up with a bit of a tickle in my throat, and a tiny cough. I didn't feel sick at all, and it was really hot, so I decided to go swimming with Monica...

That was the stupidest thing I've ever done, haha.

I jumped in the water, and it was freezing cold, and it was wierd cause I felt both hot and cold at the same time. I've never felt that before. I got out of the pool pretty quickly, and I still felt hot and cold. Wierd.

Then I go inside, and my clothes were still all wet, and I try to drink water, and then my brother looks at me and goes, "Why are your lips all white??" And then my dad noticed it too. Then my hands started shaking like really hard, I couldn't even hold the can of Coke that I was drinking! I was so scared, haha. And then I look down at my hands and they're blue! Then I felt like I was going to barf and then pass out. Ugh, man. Worst day ever! So I did barf, then I went upstairs, and took a two hour nap on Monica's bed, haha.

Then yesterday, I thought I had gotten better, but I guess not. Today, I missed school thanks to my stupid cough! My throat is so irritated right now. But thank God I went to the doctor today. He prescribed me some medicine for it. I hope I'm better by tomorrow cause I don't want to keep missing school.

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I Believe We Can Achieve! C-High, You Know!

Haha, that's like the school cheer. It was pretty cool to be apart of a school with so much school spirit. I haven't seen a school with so much spirit in a while. And I find it pretty cool how everyone has to attend rallies. I think that it brings more spirit and love to the school because everyone knows what their school's clubs and teams can do.

It's kind of funny how the Dance Team gets more enthusiasm than the football team, haha. But you have to admit that watching them dance is pretty entertaining, haha. I miss dancing! Maybe I'll take a dance class in the near future.

Well, looks like Monday will be my last day here. I'm not gonna lie; there are a few people I'll miss. But what's new? Ha.

The Sweetest Thing.

Aww, my baby stopped by while I was at the DMV today, and he left me a note. It said: "Hope everything goes well. I love you."

He's the sweetest. I love him. I feel amazing, and loved at this point<33

Who's Gonna Drive Me Home?

I am! Haha. Taking a driving test is the easiest thing in the world, haha. Tuls-Lana was so right. You would have to be really slow to not be able to pass it, haha. But the people there are really rude! Well, yeah, I got back like an hour ago. I'm happy. And to top it all off, I got a perfect score, haha :D

At this point in my life, I feel really good about myself. I have straight A's still to this point, I've lost 10.5 pounds, and I just got my license. I feel ready for anything I have coming my way. I'm so proud of myself, haha. I may sound a bit conceited, but I don't care. This is all the truth about the way I feel at the moment.

Next, is moving time. Let's see what God has in store for my family and us next<33

:p

Today was a pretty boring day. I've been awake since 3 a.m., and I still haven't lost any weight since last week. I'm getting really annoyed.


I think it's time for me to start working out again.




Uhh. Gross, ha.

(:

My back got better. It barely hurts now. Yay!

Tweaked.

Yeah, it's been like a week, and my back hasn't gotten any better. I'm a bit frazzled by it. But then again, I sleep on the floor, so maybe that might be my problem, ha.


Ahh, well, I just got back from school like an hour ago. Being a senior is so awesome, haha. Only five classes, and I hardly ever get homework (: I hope it's like this all year long.


Yeah, well, I'm off to do my vocabulary for econ, and then eat. Yay!

Relieved.

Every night before I go to bed, and after I wake up in the morning, I weigh myself. I just like to be sure that I'm not gaining weight throughout the week. Well, anyway, I weighed myself yesterday morning, and it read 190 pounds. I was a bit disappointed, because last week, I left off on 189.5 pounds. Then last night, I weighed myself again and the scale read 191. I freaked out for like five minutes, haha. But then, I told myself to just wait for this morning. Maybe it was all the water that I had drank; it could have been weighing me down. Well, I woke up this morning, excited to see if I had lost two more pounds. I run to the scale, and it reads 190. I freaked out again for like two minutes this time, and then remembered that I've been feeling really bloated, and I've been cramping, haha. (Sorry if there are any guys reading this.)

I calmed down, then I came to the laptop on my kitchen table, and googled it. Looks like I may be held back from losing weight for this week. Or at least half a week. I'm not sure. My body's weird. Bloating, and water retention keeps you from losing weight. This is such a relief for me, haha. I read that a lot of girls gain a few pounds during that time, and then they lose it right after they release all of that stuff being held back. I feel so relieved. I thought that this was all the weight that I could lose for some reason, haha. I almost lost hope. But thank God for Google (:

So, for now, I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing, and hopefully I'll lose some weight after this thing comes and goes. Hopefully<3

Tiempo.

This is my French Poodle, Nugget.

And this was Nugget and me almost two years ago. 

It's kind of wierd to see how we bothed have changed so much. He just looks a lot more mature. As for me? I've just changed a lot inside, and out.

Gosh, time goes by tremendously fast. I can't believe this was us two years ago.

I'm proud of who we are. He's grown to be more lovable, and I've just gotten stronger.

I love you, Nugget<33

Feels Good to Say No

and not be tempted anymore (:


My family keeps offering me a bunch of junk food, but I say no, and it makes me feel good :D




I can practically taste accomplishment.

Just

came back from watching Inglourious Basterds.





Good movie (:





I recommend it for those of you who enjoy Nazi-killing movies, haha.

A Good Day (:

Mute Math and quiet on a cloudy summer day is a good way to start a day.




It felt really peaceful this morning (:




Time to lose 6 more pounds :D

Looong Day.

Just got back from the auditions for Peter Pan at Chaffey like two hours ago. Man, oh, man, am I tired! Haha. I'm just out of shape really. This has to be the most difficult audition I've ever done in my life! Haha. The dancing was easy, but for some reason, I just couldn't keep the steps memorized. Everytime I got in front of the judges, I got them all twisted up and I at least messed up once everytime. The singing was the easier part, ha. If I didn't make it, I'm going to be really mad at myself. This was really stressful for me, ha.

I'm exhausted, and I feel like I really stink. It was so HOT in the auditorium with all the girls trying to learn the dance, and NO a.c. Omgsh, haha. But I guess I can say that I had fun.

Well, I'm super hungry. Oh, and I've already lost ten and a half pounds (: I'm down to 189.5! Only 20 more pounds to lose to reach my short term goal weight :D Time to go eat now, haha.

Goals and Dreams.

My english teacher is all about goals and dreams. Or so it seems. It's not a bad thing. I guess he feels that by setting and knowing your goals and what you want at a young age, you can pretty much lead yourself to a successful life, and it helps you prepare better for after graduation. He gave us a project to do based on it. We had to make a collage on our goals and dreams this weekend. I just finished.

The project was pretty simple for me, even though I'm still not exactly positive on what I aspire to be. But I think that a lot of things that I put on it can all lead me to the thing that I desire most in life: to be successful. Some of the things I put on it were: lose 30 lbs., to be more confident, be able to trust myself, good health, to love all of God's blessings, love my family no matter what, teach how to live a good life, and etc.

I find these words to all be a positive thing to helping me become successful because all of these things take some sort of effort and sacrifice to accomplish. Effort and, especially sacrifice, make you stronger, and once I accomplish these things, I think I'll be strong enough to accomplish anything (:

I've noticed that I get at least one teacher every school that I attend that's inspirational in some way. But I think it's even more important to have a teacher like this senior year. I think a lot of kids, including myself, might need it every now and then, haha.

School

didn't exactly help keep up my diet thing. I lost 6 lbs. last week, but this week I stood the same. I'm still at 194.



But I'm not quitting. I'm gonna use the weekend to lose at least 4 lbs.






Wish me luck (:

Can Time Go By Any Slower?

Seriously. This was the first week of my senior year, but it felt like the longest week of my entire life. Ha. So, I didn't exactly get the classes that I really wanted, but I'm pretty content with the ones I have now.

Now, if only I had a sixth period to make up the 2.5 credits that I'm behind. It's so ridiculously packed that there honestly is no space open for me to go into a sixth period. How lame is that? Ugh, this week was pretty stressful. I spent the majority of it going back and forth trying to find a sixth period.

Yeah, I just want this year to go by fast already. I cannot wait for graduation (:

Why is it

that I can watch a movie over and over again, and possibly never get tired of it?



Haha.



Unless it's a High School Musical movie. My sisters played that movie out wayyy too much, ha.

Funny, yet strange

how feelings work.

One second you can be the happiest person in the world. The next, you just feel like you just want to hit something. And then you feel accomplished.



Ha.


I find that odd, yet funny at the same time, aha.

Looks like

things are still a bit foggy for my family and me.





So what's new, right?




Well, good news is I get to start my diet tomorrow (:




Yay me! Haha.

I'm curious.

I wonder who's outside with my parents. Ha.





Man, today was pretty blah.




Arguments are no fun.



And I'm pretty tired of this old laptop. It's so slow now.



I want the Sims 3 for my iTouch! Haha.




Deng, I sound all winey. Ew.



Well, I'm off for right now.



Bye.

Eh.

That's my mood right now, ha.

Looks like I'm starting school at Chaffey. School starts in about a week from now. I'm semi-excited cause I'm getting out of the house finally. But I know eventually I'm going to have to move. So, that might suck. Especially if I really like the new choir teacher at Chaffey, and then I'll have to leave. I'll be like bummed out for about five minutes though. But it's all good. I'll get over it. I just hate moving in the middle of when I'm barely getting settled in.

My dad picked up my class schedule and they aren't even what I need. I still need a sixth to make up the 2.5 credits I'm behind, and I didn't want art. I wanted Sign Language and Forensic Science. Looks like I'm spending my first day of school in the counselor's office. That's nothing new, haha. Like seriously, every year that I start, they mess up my schedule and I end up in the counseling office for the majority of the day, haha. I find that funny and wierd.

Well, here's to the new school year. My senior year. Hopefully this year, I can prove to my parents that I'm more than what they think I am. I hope. Ha.

What A Night.

I'm so sleepy now.




And my head hurts.





But I get to see Jenny today for like an hour (: haha.
I miss her.




And Andy's spending the night<33
I feel like I haven't seen him since the beginning of time, haha.
I miss him that much; and I only didn't see him for one day.




That is true love.





Haha.





<33

One Month

from now, I will have my driver's license :O
August 27th to be exact, ha.





Well, hopefully, haha. I'm not 100% positive that I'll pass the test. I'm more like 87% sure that I'll pass it. Haha.





I'm nervous.




But I think I can do it (:

Eh,

I take that back.

Don't add or follow me. I don't like Twitter. It's lame.

Haha.

I'm deleting my account.

Twitter.

I made one today, but I don't really understand the concept of it.



Haha.



If you have one, 'add' me? Or it is 'follow'? Haha.


I don't even know.


I wanna go to the movies today (:


Maybe I'll rent one.


Ah, we'll see I guess, haha.


Later.

Standing in the Dark.

Yesterday, I had a talk with my dad. We still have no idea where we're going. Most likely, we're going to end up in Rialto. We have enough money to let us stay here for another month, which would mean I start school at Chaffey, but I honestly don't want to. I hate starting school smack in the middle of a semester or quarter. Then my grades suffer because of it, and I have to do a lot of catching up.

So, my dad wanted to know my opinion. Honestly, I don't care what happens. I just want my parents to stop stressing, especially my dad cause he's the one that struggles the most to try to keep us going. I think that moving to Rialto would be a better chance for us to better everything out. The plus sides: (a) I'll live literally like 7 minutes away from Andy (b) I like Rialto High; I went there my whole sophomore year. It's a nice school, AND I won't be so new there (c) $4 dollar movie theatre by Ike, haha.

But besides everything else that I listed, it's mostly for my family. I just want everything to be better. That's what I told my dad.

My dad told me that he wants us to be happy too, but in reality, I am happy. I'll live if I don't go to Chaffey and graduate from there even though I really wanted to stay in choir over here, and do the plays my senior year, but if we move, it's because God wanted it that way. And you can't question what the Big Man wants for you. I'm honestly happy with where I stand in my life, wherever I go. It doesn't matter. Nothing can bring me down. All that matters to me now are the important things. I just want to graduate and get everything done. I'm honestly just exhausted with changing schools, but it has it's plus sides like meeting new people.

The whole truth is that I just want my family to be happy, and whatever and wherever we go or do, I know that it's only a step closer to getting us out of this big hole that we're trapped in.

Well, anyway, I think my dad felt a bit of relief that I'm a bit more grown up and I see things in a different perspective now. I think that was like a weight lifted off his shoulder that I wasn't going to be too much of a burden when he says the words 'we moving' again.

So, yeah, that's my status on my whole thing on where I'm going to be next. I have like two weeks before my family actually decides where we're going. And they better decide fast cause school starts on the 10th, haha. I don't want to start off as being the new kid.

She Delt With the Devil!

Haha, we played Monopoly two times again last night.

Andy won the first time, but only cause he was ripping all of us off. Pfft! $3,000 for the yellow square, haha. It was fun though.

And then Monica kept getting what she asked for everytime she rolled the dice, haha. Andy called her the Devil's child, haha. He said she dealt with the Devil overnight, haha. She won the second time.

I will win at one point!

Haha.

Mine!

Haha, today was fun. Monopoly with Andy and Monica will be continued tomorrow, and I will not quit this time, ahaha.

Oh, yeah, and tomorrow I have to go pick up my schedule for senior year. I'm somewhat excited (: but looks like we're not staying here for much longer.

Today I heard something about an apartment in Victorville. Boo.

Eh, whatever.

Hopefully things change for us. I really don't want to leave here. But then again, I'll take whatever God thinks is best for us.

Well, goodnight.

:|

Mmmmm, ahhh!





I hate being poor. Ha, nah that's not true.


"Having nothing builds character!"
Haha. Hairspray; I love that movie (:


Well, I can't start that diet until we get money to buy the right foods which won't be until the 3rd of August. This is lame. I just have to power walk for now, and wait til then. I really need to do this though. I feel that everyday that goes by I'm doing more damage to my body.



Ahhh!



I have to be strong for now, and just be smart about this whole situation. The third isn't too far from now.

Thriller.

Yesterday would have been a great day if I wasn't so tired and menstrual, haha.

I went to my little sister, Isabel's, basketball game. The kids are getting better, but they still lost. The little monsters from the other team were all mad for the first half cause my sister's team wasn't letting them shoot, haha. But then they got slaughtered the second half, aha. Oh well. At least they're improving.

I like that my dad and Andy are coaching. It really gives my family time to be together and have something to do. It's like a time away from our problems cause our head is focused on the kids on the team. And I also love watching Andy coach, haha. He's so good with kids. I always tease him and tell him that all that medical training he's doing is going to be for nothing cause I bet he's going to end up as a teacher instead, haha. He just laughs and says no.

(Watching how the kids are improving also makes me happy. I've always liked to watch people grow and progress in anything. It makes me excited and happy to see their face when they finally get to accomplish what they want. Oh no, haha, maybe I'll end up being a teacher. Haha, nah. I don't hate kids anymore, but I don't love them either. Haha.)

After the game, Andy, Rene, and I went to Ontario Mills, and I went shopping (: I haven't done that in forever! I bought this cute navy blue tunic, and a black V-neck, and muscle shirt at Forever 21, of course. Then we went to Hot Topic, and they had just brought out some Michael Jackson shirts. Rene and I bought one cause they were only $15, which is really cheap for Hot Topic and the shirts being about Michael Jackson. Mine was better though, haha.

Then we went to eat at In n' Out, and we came home. Andy practiced his song for church, and I was trying to help him. Then we knocked out for like two hours, haha. We woke up at around 5 o' clock and then he had to leave, and he dropped us off at my aunt's house where they were having this ceremony thing to raise money for a church in Mexico I think.

Okay, so we get there and my mom was helping my grandma with her little tostada stand thing by just collecting the money the customers were giving. Then she's all "Hey, stand here and help your grandma with the money. I have to go to the bathroom." so I just said okay cause I thought it was only gonna be for like five minutes. Well, I ended up helping her for the rest of the night, ha. It felt good being there. I felt like I was doing it for a good cause. Then my aunt gets there like at 8 o' clock. I wanted to leave right after that, ha. She started drinking and acting all like nothing happened. I gave her the cold shoulder. I think she noticed it. I don't care.

Then I came home like around 10:23. I was exhausted! Andy and I knocked out again for I think like two and a half hours. I was not feeling well at all, aha. He went home, and I fell asleep on the couch. I woke up at 8:30 today, and I feel good. I feel like going out somewhere like the movies or something. Hopefully Andy feels better and we end up going (:

So that was my whole Saturday. It would have been a good day if only I wasn't cramping, and I was feeling way better, but overall, if I would have been feeling good, it would have turned out to be a great day (: Ha, this was a pointless blog, but I don't care. It felt good to write about my day.

Ahahahaha!

How do you feel you're so confrontational when in reality, everyone else is the one doing the confronting??? Haha!

You just keep hiding behind your big ass mouth thinking that it speaks 'the truth', when in reality all that comes out of it is shit.

You really need to get over yourself.

We've been living happily without hearing from you all this time. I'm more than positive WE'LL live.

You fucken swear that the whole world is dying to have you as a friend. With your big ass mouth, I'm surprised Andy hasn't kicked your ass. Haha!

Nobody cares what you have to say about what the person sitting next to you is wearing.

You say you KNOW who you are, but it's really sad actually cause reality is you're lost, haha. That's why you hide behind your big ass mouth. You're so insecure of who you are that you end up criticizing other people that act just like you, haha.

And you just keep running your mouth. Let's see how far it'll take you in the future, aha!

Andy DID open his mouth when he needed to. That's actually the only time he would want to talk to you, aha! That's why HE confronted you. Not the other way around. See, that's another thing, you DON'T say is the truth. That's why he called you a LIAR too. You try to make yourself look good through shit that isn't even true.

And no one's counting her out as fake either because she 'played YOU' like you would say. You're saying that Andy's the one that's going to end up with people that aren't there for him when in reality, you're the one who's already in jeopardy because YOU'RE the one hanging out and talking to people that you think are your friends and in reality they're stabbing you in the back, talking shit about you and telling us everything that you have to say about me or him, like she just did.

Andy doesn't need anybody fake like you or her in his life which is the reason HE stopped talking to both of you in the first place. So if you want to go there, the only one that's going to realize they're wrong is you. And that's if and when you get over your high school years and drop your balls because apparently you're still not over them, but of course, that wouldn't happen anytime soon.

You sit there and c r i t i c i z e-- and yes, that is the only thing you do; you c r i t i c i z e. You don't speak 'the truth'-- others for acting like they're still stuck in high school when in reality you fit in right along with them. That's right. You're just as low as they are.

But the saddest thing now is that I'm only seventeen years old. Still in high school, but I'm way more mature and way more secure about myself than you'll ever be.

We really hope YOU enjoy your life with your world full of 'the truth' and all of the little friends that you pretend to trust because all the good ones, like Andy, are out of your life, haha!

Eventually, you'll come back around to that stupid little blog you posted and realize that the only fake was YOU.

Ha!

A Few Things.

1. I love my life, and the point it's in. I'm not going to lie, I'm in a tough spot, but our weaknesses are what make us stronger.
2. The reason I don't regret anything that I've done in my life is because I believe that mistakes are to be learned from. Not something to be ashamed of.
3. I used to be doubtful that God existed until one day the deacon from St. Joseph Church asked me "But if there really was a Heaven and a Hell? And there really was a God? Would you rather go to Hell because you didn't believe? Or would you rather die knowing that you're saved because you believed?" That was my 8th grade year.
4. Sometimes, I look at myself in the mirror and I don't like what I see-- not on the outside, but on the inside-- so I try to change the things I dislike instead of putting myself down about it.
5. I've always been the type to laugh at the mistakes I've made in life or when I mess up. I don't really get mad cause then I know that in a month or so I'll be laughing at whatever I did wrong.
6. To be honest, I'm hardly ever quiet. I laugh, talk, and just am loud. It's who I am. Sometimes when I do get quiet though, it's either because I'm tired, in my own world, or something's wrong.
7. When I perform, I get really nervous even though I've been doing it for five years now. It's still something I really need to work on.
8. I used to be really depressed, angry, and I hated everything. Then I met Andy, and he turned everything around for me. Thank you, baby.
9. Haven't had a stable home in almost four years. I move a lot due to financial reasons, but I'm never afraid to put it out there.
10. People get annoyed by me because I tend to care too much for them. Sometimes I get annoyed with myself for caring too much for people who don't care that I care about them, so I just don't care for them anymore.
11. I have many expanding branches in the artistic department. I love to sing, write, perform, read, and not many people know this but I have a pretty good hand to draw. I stopped drawing at the end of my seventh grade year. It was just something I didn't want to do. I prefer drawing abstract figures.
12. Depending on what I'm doing, I tend to not be organized in a lot of things I do, but the funny thing is I always know where I can find things.
13. Nugget is my French Poodle. Even though he smells, and can't see cause his hair's too long, I love him cause he keeps me safe in my house. I call him a 'dumb doorbell' cause sometimes he barks when people are only passing by my house.
14. If I spend too much time at home or by myself, I start to focus on the little things around me. Even what I look like, so sometimes I have to do my hair and put on a bit of make up to make me feel pretty.
15. I contradict myself a lot, but I guess it's cause I'm still growing up and trying to figure things out.
16. I don't care much for politics or history.
17. Secretly, I like moving now. I used to hate it cause I was retarded and thought that the friends I had were my life. The truth is, they weren't. So now, I love meeting new people and I have a variety of friends in Victorville, Ontario, Rialto, and Fontana.
18. Just because I say the word 'friend' doesn't mean you or they really are my friend. It's just a shorter word than 'acquaintance'.
19. Being blunt is unnecessary. The people who say they're blunt and don't care what people say, and can say what they want because everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and freedom of speech, etc. are lying when they say they don't care what anyone has to say, because once they hear that someone says something about them, they say what they think about the person. Why would you talk about the person if you wouldn't care?
20. Letting go is one of the most difficult things that I've ever done in my life. It was difficult for me to go from having everything to having nothing, but change can be done. Accepting it is another thing.
21. I get attached to people very easily. I'm working on not getting so attached though.
22. Even though I say random things, it doesn't mean I'm dumb. I say random things because my mind is consistently working throughout the day.
23. My focus has sucked lately. I have to work on it more.
24. People who don't appreciate what they have are ridiculous. Same goes for people who are dying to have more than what they already have. You won't appreciate what you have until it's gone. I learned that the hard way.
25. Sadly, I'm more mature than a lot of others that I've met my age. I'm seventeen by the way. The majority of the people I meet are all older than me.
26. I come off as quiet when I first meet people. But if you notice, I'm still friendly in the way that if you talk to me, I respond with a strong voice, a smile, if you tell a joke that I find funny, I'll laugh along, and if you're talking about a certain subject, I'll try to relate so that I can get a conversation going.
27. When I get nervous, I get too loud, or I ask a lot of questions, or I don't say much, and bite on my fingernails.
28. One of the worst habits I have is procrastination. I always do my projects all last minute, or I end up asking for an extension date.
29. From grades 2-9, I was a GATE (Gifted And Talented) and HONORS student. That all went down the drain after my sophomore year.
30. I'm only behind 2.5 credits. I will be graduating next May of 2010. Can't wait. Then my life starts for real.
31. I don't like to have too much sunlight in the house. It gives me headaches.
32. The majority of my family sleeps on the floor.
33. The most important things in life are the smallest things in life.
34. One of my most favorite things to do is to watch movies. I love to get lost in a story that isn't mine. Sometimes I really need it.
35. My iTouch is always with me, unless Andy has it. Without it, I would go crazy. Music keeps me sane. It's like my life contains it's own soundtrack. I listen to almost everything, so I have a song that suits almost every moment that happens in my life.
36. I am a very loveable, understanding person. I love to give hugs, and I love to greet you like I haven't seen you in years just because I love being around you.
37. The majority of the people I dislike, which would be around two or three, aren't because I judged them before knowing them. I dislike them because they (a)chose to judge me (b)have taken advantage of my friendship (c)have a lot they need to work on character-wise.
38. I don't hate anyone. I dislike them, but I look at it this way: what if that person wasn't here tomorrow? How would you really feel if they weren't?
39. I'm learning to swallow my pride when it comes down to apologizing or fixing a situation.
40. When I argue with someone, I try to fix things before the day ends because the only regret that I would have if anything happened to that person after we parted would be that I couldn't tell them or show them that I loved them because we were in a disagreement.
41. I hate it when people have a bitter relationship with their 'loved one' and then they see my relationship with Andy-- how he brings me roses on random occassion, opens the car door for me, etc.-- and they tell me that it all ends when you get married and last years together. Just because you have a bitter relationship, it doesn't mean that's how mine is going to end up.
42. I also hate it when people can't take blame for what they do. When they have too much pride to admit they're wrong. Especially when the other person actually admits their mistakes and apologizes.
43. My family comes first. No matter what.
44. My parents are high school sweethearts. They met at Chaffey High School their junior year, and have been together for nineteen years, and married for almost seventeen.
45. My mom was pregnant from me at nineteen and had me at twenty. My dad was the same age. And believe it or not, I was planned. And so were my younger brother, Rene, and two sisters, Isabel and Adriana.
46. Personally, if Andy and I end up married and get to have a baby, I honestly believe that our kids will be smart, and that we will be really good parents. Our foundations are both strong.
47. My parents have been there for me together since day one. Therefore, I got straight A's in elementary school.
48. People that are too clean and are always criticizing others for how they live are a pain in the ass.
49. I randomly laugh sometimes for no reason.
50. Now, it is 6:17 a.m., and I should be in bed now, but I'm not, so I'm just going to stop writing now so that I can get ready for later.

!

kjsdhgilsh;aoireo;rthyo;uhs




Sometimes, being a girl is frusterating, ha.




It may seem kinda odd, but I secretly wish I had a penis at times for like five minutes, haha.
And not for nasty stuff either, aha.




Being menstrual really sucks ass, ha.




It seems to get worse every month...
I think I'm broken.
Haha.

Let's Talk Crap.

There's this girl I know that is overweight. She's lazy. Doesn't like to exercise, and her will power isn't too strong. Her dad is already a diabetic, and her mom is prone to becoming one in the future as well. You would think that her becoming diabetic even before she hits her thirties would have run through her mind already. Her weight is 198 pounds, and she is 5'0" tall. That is a lot of weight for a small body type like that. She did the research, and it turns out that she is obese for her body type.

The funny thing is she knows everything she has to do to lose weight. Exercise, eat right, etc. And the other funny thing is when she says she's gonna start the dieting, but then in about two or three weeks goes back to her old ways all over again and gains the weight back...

This girl is me.

I don't want to be this anymore. Almost two years ago, I used to fit into a size 11 pant. Two years later today, I fit into a size 15 and I think I'm still gaining weight. I also weighed 160 pounds. Since then, I've gained almost 40 pounds.

This whole blog isn't about me worried about how I look. I know that no matter what size or shape you are, you're beautiful. It's the inside that counts. This whole blog is about me being healthy, which is one thing I'm not, and really have never been. For a person my height, I should weigh at the most 130 pounds. I am 70 pounds overweight. That's a lot, but I never did weigh what I was supposed to. I've always been overweight, since I can remember.

When I was younger I used to get a lot of crap from my mom because I was always overweight. Did I eat a lot? No. It's all just a lack of physical activity. I just never understood how my mom thought that negative comments would help anything. It just made me feel worse. It made me angry and want to do less and eat more so she could really talk her crap. I know my mom never meant to hurt me, cause that's how her whole family is. They like to 'bag' on people. (I guess that's where I learned not to make fun of people because I never liked it. And up to date, I still don't pick on people about their physical features. It's mean, and it may hurt their feelings and lead to other things.) In my case, I never found it funny to be made fun of. I used to cry myself to sleep cause I didn't want to be fat anymore. This was around the age of 11.

At the age of 11 I was worried about what I looked like and what clothes hid my fat the best. No lie. I don't know about you, but I still think that's really young to be worrying about stuff like that. I stopped wearing shorts and skirts because I felt my legs were too fat for them, when they really weren't. So even to date, I won't wear a skirt past the knees or shorts. It's just something I'm not comfortable with anymore.

Eventually, my sophomore year came, and I went about my weight a whole different way. And maybe cause I also had a lot going on at home, my weight stood at about 160. At the moment, I didn't realize what I was doing to myself. I felt that I should only eat when I got hungry. So I would never eat breakfast or lunch at school. I got really sick a lot of the time, and mean headaches. Toward the end of the school year, I had missed a lot of school because of it. I started eating lunch at school when Andy and I started going out. He would always make me eat, haha. But thanks to him, I guess, I also gained weight.

Yesterday, I found my phone from Sprint and was looking at all the pics I had in there, I was so much thinner. 40 pounds makes a huge difference. I showed Andy, and we discussed the whole starving situation which was the reason I was about 160 at the time. He said he would rather have me be the way I am now than to having me starve myself just to stay thinner. I found that I also liked not starving myself. I don't get headaches now, and I don't almost pass out during passing periods anymore.

Yeah, I'm better off not starving myself, but I'm also better off fixing my dieting habits. So, I was looking up different diets that aren't dangerous and actually involve doing things naturally. A lot of people have heard of this one. It's called the military diet because men in the military use it to get to a certain weight class. I really think anybody can do it. It's healthy, not very costly; it consists of most things you probably already have at home, and all you have to do is exercise. You can lose up to 10 pounds in three days. It sounds unreal, but I think it actually might work. I'm gonna give it a try.

Of course there's also more stuff you should know if you wanna try it. Google it. I would tell you myself, but I'm in a bit of a hurry now, haha. Sorry.

The point is that I want to be somewhat healthy. For now, my goal is to lose at least 6 pounds on that diet. And if I lose more weight, it's all for the better, haha. But if I see it really does work out for me, I'm gonna keep doing it, and I'm gonna keep updating on how I'm doing. I really hope this works out for me. My body really needs it. I don't want to be a twenty-year-old diabetic, and thin out my chances of being able to grow old without it.

I want to prove to myself that I can do this the healthy way, and not starve myself. I want to prove my parents wrong and make them have faith in me again. I want to do this mostly for myself.




(:

Allergies.

It really sucks to have allergies in the summer. With the stuffy nose, and headaches. I feel so annoyed right now. Everything's bugging me.

I feel sleepy.

I'm gonna go take a nap. Hopefully.





:/

....

Tomorrow's the big day. Tomorrow's the day when we decide whether we're going or staying. I'm anxious. A bit nervous. I just want it to be done with already.

Yeah.

It really sucks not being in touch with Andy with my phone anymore; he works from 1 to 5 today, but I haven't heard at all from him. It's already 6:37. I'm a bit worried. I hope he's okay.

I have to make something to eat. Hopefully I hear from him soon. I love you, baby<3

What is

the point of drinking?

Someone explain it to me in a reasonable matter, cause it doesn't make sense to me anymore. Tell me why I can't get the idea that drinking isn't necessary into most people's minds.

Your Mouth Is Like A Magazine.

I know I've said this before, but one thing that I really hate the most is when people talk crap about a situation that they have absolutely NO clue about. It's so annoying and immature. I swear, it's like people just talk cause they have a mouth. They think that their world is always going to be okay. That they're never going to go through anything bad just because they have everything right now. It's so stupid.

I'm tired of hearing so many people talk their crap about my parents. Saying that they're just lazy and crap. My dad has a HERNIATED DISK, retards. My dad is a strong man, mentally and physically. If my dad could take the pain, he would be working. If he's not working it's not cause he's being lazy. It's because he really can't take the pain. Ugh! And even after everything you did to break my parents' heart, they were still there for you, and you repay them like this?

'I don't talk to Lourdes because she always complains about how she never has money. I think she says that cause she expects me to give her money...'

No, that's not why she talks to you. She talks to you because your her family. Her sister. She wants someone to be there for her, because she doesn't have her family anymore. She thought that things would change between all you guys, but it didn't. You guys only keep screwing us all over. I don't care if you don't talk about me; you're hurting my mom. If you're hurting my mom then you're hurting my whole family.

Next time you ask me to go to your house and I say no, then you know why. I don't care if you get butt hurt or anything.

I honestly hope you learn to grow up and not judge things the way you do now. If you only knew everything my family has gone through to get to where we are. If you only knew the pain you all caused my mom; but honestly, I hope you guys are living good lives. I won't wish you bad. I'll pray that you learn from this and that you grow up. I hope that you learn to appreciate all the good stuff you have, because life is too short, and a lot of the time when you least expect it, you'll lose what you have.

Stupid Technology.

I get that we're not born with phones or iPod Touches, but really? Ha. Man, this has been a hell of a week; and it's only Wednesday.

First, phones are disconnected Monday, so I have to depend on this weak ass signal to keep me in touch with Andy and Jenny, which sucks cause it's super slow and it goes off every like half hour or so.

I also got new music on Monday from Monica's computer, and I was all excited and I made a playlist last night, and now my iPod or iTunes just deleted everything off my iPod except for my apps today. It's all acting stupid now. I don't know if it was iTunes or the iPod, but either way it sucks. That's about the only thing I had to keep me distracted. And I can't restart it either cause it just stops in the middle of it restarting.

Maybe I will go to the Y with my family today. I need it...

Hopefully things get better soon. For my family, Andy, me, and for everyone else.

I'm not a Debbie Downer, haha. I'm still hopeful, and I have faith that everything will turn out fine. It just sucks that everyone around me is going through something, and there's nothing I can do to help.

AND now, I might have to transfer over to Alta Loma High. How gay is that? Another transfer. But whatever. It's just high school to me now. Nothing to be excited or thrilled about. I just want to graduate and get start my life already so that I don't end up like this with my family. I don't want prom, or grad night, or senior pics, or a letterman jacket, or a class ring, or to go to any of the dances; I just want to finish, and get started with college and my career.

It may be sad that I see things this way, but reality is high school is just high school. In the end, it doesn't matter what you did, as long as you graduate and get a life somehow.

The Night...

is no longer young for me.


But stress and anger made it get old, ha.


I'll be back to blog soon hopefully.


Goodnight.

Playing Pretend Takes a Lot More Than Just Wigs and Make Up.

Everything is so confusing. She's confusing. I honestly don't know anymore.

The thing that I'm most angry and hurt about is that nobody ever let me have a say-so in whatever happened. Everything is always being discussed behind my back or around me. Sure, I hear about it, but then it just makes me even more angry that I've never been able to speak my mind about the whole situation.

This whole issue has been based on 'well, he said...' and 'well, she said...', but what about what I had to say?? Nobody ever bothered to ask me. I get that this whole relationship went back for a few years or whatever, but I still feel that I have a say in whatever's being done and how I've been judged by a lot of so-called 'friends'.

Apologies through text aren't fair to me. They never have been. If everyone can apologize to others face to face, then I think that I deserve to have that face to face apology too, along with the opportunity to discuss whatever happened. But no, I never got that chance.

Honestly, this whole situation is just tired for me. It's been like what, over a year and everyone is still angry? I don't know anymore, honestly. I'm just tired of it all. It's honestly stupid.

Stuck in Reality.

I've been phoneless for two whole days now : It really sucks. It's not that I'm materialistic, but it was the only thing that kept Andy and I linked together as in us knowing how we're feeling or doing and if we're okay.

Oh well, things happen for a reason I guess. Hopefully my dad's court case sends us money like asap. We need it :p

We don't even have a house phone, haha. How lame is that? Haha.

Uhh, guess we just have to wait a few more weeks. Nothing I can't handle...

We're Bringing Down the House.

Oh, yeah, we're bringing down the house alright.

We were just having a family discussion about leaving this house. I'm not gonna lie, I was mad at first, but we have to do what we have to do. My dad's a diabetic, he can't take so much stress. His blood sugar can go up, then he'll start feeling sick. My mom suffers from anxiety. She can't be stressing so much cause she gets sick, too.

Ugh, it's just so much stress. I feel desperate. Now, it's not that I just want a job anymore; I need one.

I'm honestly desperate.


jahdsgfuiha


:/

Happy Birthday, Daddy! (:

Haha, today was fun thanks to Andy<33



Took my family out to El Siete Mares restaurant in Pomona. And we all had a really great time. I love the mariachi from there; haha, I'm such a beaner :p




But I don't care, I got to sing with them and my baby; it was really fun (:
Then my grandma sang Happy Birthday to my dad, and my uncle Jose sang too!
Awww, I hadn't heard him sing in forever...



All in all, it was a great night.





We laughed, and joked, and talked, and sang the whole night. We haven't been out like that as a family in such a long time! Thank you so much, baby<33 We owe you big time!




I know my dad really enjoyed it. That was the most important thing. Thank you, my love, for everything! Muah!<333




Happy 37th Birthday, Daddy!<33
I love you<33

Cockroaches of the Sea.

Now I KNOW why they call them that!





I had to peel shrimp AND clean them out, which means touch their poop.





It was soooo nasty :/




Ew.
Aha.

And Her Name Was Happy....

It's nice to have someone that understands where you're coming from. Someone who knows what your history is. Personally, I don't like my past, but I love how I can look back and reminisce and realize how much I've changed.

I went from being this depressed, angry girl to being someone who loves life and can find a bright side to most things now. The change in my life can only be viewed as a good thing. I love God and try to put him before any decision I make more often now.

I've run into a lot of people these past few schools that I've been to and not one person has made as much of an impact on me like Andy has. I'm more than honored to call him my boyfriend and to be able to be apart of his life is simply a blessing. He has taught me so much, and I'm still learning from him. I love spending everyday with him.

And I also love how he believed that I was going to grow and make a change for myself. Nobody has ever shown so much strength in watching me grow as he has done for me. Without him, I know that I would not be the person that I am today. I may not have many friends at all, but I know damn well that this man is my best friend.

I don't care what anybody else has to say about me being in his life cause now I know why they don't like me or this relationship. They're angry with the fact that from the day he met me, we've been inseperable. He spends every second of his day with me whether it's through text or if he's sitting right next to me. Reality of this whole situation is that everyone's angry because he'd rather be spending time with a seventeen year old. Another fact is that I think I act more mature than any of his friends ever have. That kind of amazes me.

I don't need to be rude and talk crap about people behind their backs just to make me feel important or above anyone else. I'm myself I don't need the world's attention to know that I'm worthy of something. Yeah, I may not have brand new clothes or I may not be as pretty as others are, but I at least have my dignity rather than to just talk crap about something that I know absolutely nothing about and make an ass of myself.

I know that there are those out there that can't stand me, and that's okay, I don't need you in my life. But you have to learn that in life you can't always get what you want. If Andy's not in your life, then you know why. He's in mine because I was there for him and I talked to him not just when I needed him, but HE needed someone to be there. If you don't have him in your life it's because you took him for granted. You felt that he was only going to be there for you when you needed him to. Well, you were wrong.

Take advantage of the things you have because in life, you won't know what have until it's gone. That's a promise. And that's the truth. I've leaarned that. My friends have learned that. And now you've learned that. Andy isn't just a friend. He is an amazing friend that everyone wants to have. But if you can't learn to grow up and keep up at his pace, you'll lose him.

The reason why he and I don't have many friends isn't cause we chose not to. The people around us just chose to quit and not keep up. But that's okay cause in the end, it all comes down to just Andy and Debbie. I have him, which is something you all are angry about and I don't care, and he has me until the bitter end.

So go ahead and keep talking. It's your loss anyway. (:

Yay (:

It's been a while since I've blogged, haha. I miss it...

Things have been good lately. Had a friend living with me for like two days. I miss her<3 But hopefully she's doing better now.

Uhh, my phone's about to be disconnected soon, so I apologize to anyone trying to reach me in like a week or two for not answering, ha. My dad has his court case in a couple of weeks; we're anxious for that to come. It'll determine what's going to happen next month. If I'm staying here for senior year or not. Not too excited for that, but whatever God wants to give me, I will take because I love him (:

I need to get out more often though. Things with the parents are getting a bit edgy...
Hopefully I can get that job Reba's trying to get me. If not, then oh well. Nothing new, ha. I'll just have to keep trying.

Oh, and today is Andy's and my One Year and Six Month Anniversay<33 I'm so happily in love with him ((: He makes me so happy. We're supposed to go to the Olive Garden today :D Haven't been there since Valentine's Day. I'm excited, haha.

So yeah, that's pretty much it. I can't wait to start my senior year on August 10th. Finally! Hopefully I can keep up at least a 3.0 GPA, haha. Haven't done that in a while. I should be able to since four of my classes will be electives (: I'm so proud of myself for making it this far even though I didn't exactly have a 4.0 GPA all these years. But I'm here, where a lot of people aren't. And I'm gonna graduate which a lot of people don't do, ha.

Well, that's it for now I guess. Gonna go talk to my Penguin. I miss him. Didn't see him today :/

Well, goodnight (:

Big Girls DO Cry

We find it everywhere
It's deep within this ground
This life our worlds have intertwined
We learn to let it go
And we leave it all behind

To play pretend and laugh out loud
We forgive the euphoric pain
Your shattered voice
I don't want it anymore
Scream away the hurt

Let's not pretend to fight
But don't cry, let's try to let it go
I don't want to
It's what's right

To play pretend and laugh out loud
We forgive the euphoric pain
Your shattered voice
I don't want it anymore
Hush away the hurt

Pen to paper, ink to skin
Cry the letters
Except what's deep within...

Sometimes Sane Isn't So Sane...

Sometimes insanity isn't so insane
And kids aren't such a pain
A left turn can turn out to be right
But the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

A glimpse of hope is tattered apart
And then you learn it was never your heart
The other cheek has not been turned
Is this a mistake?
Are these even the right words?

Someone, anyone; Am I even alive?
Hello...? Hello...?

I give and I give; What is this world?
And how will I survive?

Maybe sane isn't so sane
And maybe perfect was never so perfect
So lost, so lost

We cry in unison...

A perfect mistake to end this equation.

Lameee.

Andy got a new phone.

And I don't know how to use it :/ ha.

One thing I STRONGLY DISLIKE.

Why does it take for someone to know that their former friend is going through something very difficult for them to actually come and apologize? I don't fucken get that.



So this whole time you knew that you messed up, but it took you a few words from someone else to go apologize to them? I don't get that.



And then you wonder why people don't like you or they give you dirty looks. They already know the type of scumbag you are, that's why. jsrdhtguiosh;lgja



You and your childish acts of innocence acting like you really do mean to apologize is honestly all bullshit to my ears.



One thing I know for sure is that you find your true friends only when you're in the worst case scenarios such as losing a house, dying in the hospital, in jail, etc.



And even if people do help you out in those situations, at least one negative thought has run through their minds. So the word and definition of friends is specifically defined.


Nobody has the definition until they leave this world.


But even if you don't, you can at least try to find it before you mess up and realize that you don't know what you have until it's gone.


All of the crap you did was commone sense and all just childish acts of selfishness. That's it. And most of the time, you proved that you still have a lot to work on.



Ugh, whatever. Just makes me mad when I hear or see stuff like this going on.



It's really pathetic to me. And they still try walking with their heads held high. Pfft!



Ha.

My New Song.

Aww, Jenny.Lynn (: She's honestly the only girl that I get along with fairly well, and I can tell her anything. I'm so glad we met. She already knows too much, so I'm not letting her go so easily, haha.

I love how we can text for like a whole day and before we know it, it's time to go to bed (:

Yeah, I know, I just met her like not even three months ago, but I know she's different from all the other 'friends' I've had. And the best thing about it is that she's a GIRL, haha.

I think it was meant for us to meet. I have never had a mature friend that's a girl. Most of the friends I had were guys. But now I have Jenny (: and she has me<33

I would write more, but I'm gonna lose signal on my computer like any minute, haha. Yeah, lame, I know. But hopefully, my internet gets fixed this weekend so I can catch up on my blogging. I miss it, ha. I love you, Jenny<3

Wow,

it's amazing to see how much one grows up in just a short amount of time.







All you need is a tiny push; the rest of the way is all up to you.






I still have a lot more to go, but I think I've gotten some of the basics down.






Thank you, my love<3

Not stupid.

At this point I hate myself. I love him. More than anything. I have no one anymore. He's out of my life.









Goodbye.

One more thing:

Mr. Harms: What do you do with your instruments before you play with your band?

Kid: Tune it....?

Mr. Harms: Then why would you not tune your voice to the music as well?

Kid: ......

Mr. Harms: You see, why do you want the music to be in tune when your voice doesn't match it at all?

Haha, Harms is talking about like hardcore bands and all those other types of music that scream, haha. I find it true. And funny. Haha.

Hm,

Short stories are pretty interesting and fun to write.



It's like showing the world what goes on in your mind (:

Hoy,

fue un dia bonito (:



Haha, Spanish. Yeahh, it was a really pretty day today. It wasn't sunny, but it rained in May. I thought it was pretty.

Very blissful.

Boy,

performing is tiring! Haha, but it was fun, I'll have to admit (:



I really enjoyed working with Jenny and Daylene. Even though the costumes were thick, hot, and ugly, I enjoyed it, ha.



My day started off pretty hectic, but Jenny helped turn everything around. I needed make-up, a curler, and food, and she provided all of it. I can't thank her enough<3

Hope to perform with her again someday :D

Man, oh, man...

These past two weeks have been hectic! But hard work pays off. At least I hope it will, haha. The PBL thing is tomorrow and I perform with Jenny and Daylene finally. Oh my gosh, and the end of the year is exactly TWO WEEKS away from today!

Gosh! I still cannot believe it's here. Well, yes I can. I've been in school for too long this year. I NEED a break.

Man, I hope I can finally stay in one spot for next year and graduation. I actually want to have SOME sort of memories when I look at my yearbook next year. It makes me sad sometimes that I don't have that many, ha, but I guess I'll take what God wants to give me.

I will blog again soon hopefully. I miss having my own internet :(

One Simple Act of Kindness.

I'm actually growing up. I feel it. I realize more things on my own now, and I'm trying to be a better person all on my own. Trying not to be so angry.

It's hard work. But I think I can pull it off.

I officially don't like quitting now, ha. And I think I've finally learned to let go. I still dislike people, but then I sit back and realize that I can be better.

If you don't sit down and learn to observe your surroundings and try to change the things you dislike about them, then things are never going to be any better and you complaining won't help at all either.

That is fact.

So, the next time that somebody gives you attitude or yells at you, don't get even. Get nice. Depending on how well you know the person, ask them what's wrong. And if you barely know the person, try to think about their lifestyle at home.

I've learned that everyone is different and that everyone learns their own way and at their own pace.

It's not easy. Believe me, it's not. But if you really put your mind to it, doing something like this can possibly even save a life.

Pass it on.






(:

Long Time.

Yeah, it's been a while since I've blogged, or so it feels like it, ha. Well, life has been pret-ty good these past couple of days. Some complications between me and the parents, but eh, things'll work themselves out.

So, I met a new girl. Her name is Rebecca, but she prefers Reba, ha. Yeah, she's pretty cool, and smart. I have her for Algebra II and we hang out during lunch together. I like meeting new people. You have a lot to say when you don't know a person cause you have to get to know them.

Yeahh, I now believe I have a chance in passing Algebra II and Physics, thank God! Uhm, choir's still kind of 'eh', but I can't wait for the performances. Ugh, and that retarded PBL project is really gey. I haven't even done it :p Go figure, ha. Oh! I have a B+ in English :DD That's somewhat of a shocker for me, haha.

Oh, and I'm excited for Drama Day :D I get to see 'Fiddler on the Roof' for free (: AND I get to not go to any of my classes! That's pretty cool, ha.

Man, I can't believe we only have FIVE more weeks left of school! D: That's a tiny bit of time now. Well, for me it is, and I've actually been in school for too long this year :p

So yeah, I'd better get back to doing what I was doing, which was preobably nothing, ha. Yeah, I need a life or a job.

aksduhfksa;fjyirfhe

Global Warming.

It is ninety-four degrees in the middle of APRIL! :O

How scary is that? Like, honestly? Haha, wow.

Good day to go swimming or running through the sprinklers, haha the beaner way! (:

Yeahh, I'm staying inside today and taking a cold shower in a bit.

Summer so soon?

I hate the summer :p

It's too hot!

Steak and Alfredo.

I really love my family. Like, really, I do. I love how they try to go all out for us on our birthdays even if we don't have money, ha. Thank God for food stamps >.< haha.

Yesterday, they had like a small dinner for me with steak, fettuccini alfredo, and baked potato outside in our front yard. It was nice. My mom invited my aunt, grandma, and Davinna and Juan's family. Then I invited my brother from another mother, ha, Bryan. Then my bro invited Justina and Joel. It was pretty nice.

Personally, I would have just preferred to have the dinner with my family, but it turned out to be really nice. Oh, and then Andy bought me a cookie cake from the Nestle Factory like I had been saying that I wanted for months. It had pandas and musical notes on it. It was really cute<33 and then he bought me Sara Lee cheesecake to go with it, haha, cause I wanted that too. I love him, he's such a sweetheart. I wish I would have spent more time with him though. Well, yeah, overall, it turned out to be really nice.

So, tomorrow's my real birthday (: I'm not really excited, ha. Another year closer to death, ha. Nah, I'm totally kidding. It's a bit exciting, but also nerve-wrecking. It's another year closer for me becoming an adult D: Ha, yeah, I sort of dread that thought. It's only for now, cause once it's here, it's here and I won't be able to dodge it any longer. I'm ready, for it, I think, ha. Just don't want to deal with the whole stress of paying off bills, haha, but who does? Haha.

Four Twenty.

Only fifteen more days :DDD





And no, I don't get smoke weed on that day.
I have never done that and don't plan on doing it anytime soon either.






It's my SEVENTEENTH BIRTHDAYYY! (:






I don't really want to do anything special. I just really want a bunny, haha. A dwarf rabbit would complete me, haha.





Oh my gosh! Seventeen years of living on this earth already?? Haha, doesn't seem like a long time ago I was just playing with Barbie, haha.





I need to figure out my life soon, ha.





Well, I'm somewhat excited this year (:
I wish for a bunny, and nothing else :D

(:

I have lost seven pounds without starving myself. I am officially semi-proud of myself, ha. Eating healthier isn't too bad, and I say semi-proud because I have not reached my goal weight...yet. I will get there by the way; I just have to be patient. Good things come to those who wait :D

Rough Day.

Yeah, today was not my favorite day. Too much homework and Chambers are driving me up thee wall! I am stressed out. kdjfhgoiudshg





Yeahh, just had to say that, aha. I'm super tired from last night, ha.



I love my fam. We stood up until midnight yesterday tickling each other and being loud. I love having our own house. We can be as loud as we want without worrying about who's sleeping, ha. I love it (:



Anywhoo, I'm gonna go take a nap now. I'll finish thee rest of my homework later, ha.

First Day.

Yeah, school was pretty hectic on my first day. All my classes had to be rearranged like three times and I hardly had anytime to sit, ha.

So, now, I'm only worried about my grades. I still haven't met my physics teacher, so tomorrow should be interesting. We just had spring break. Pretty funny how I only had class for a day and then went off for vacation again, haha. Yeahh, but now I start school for real.

I am no longer nevous, just curious on how my year's going to end. I DON'T WANT SUMMER SCHOOL, haha. I need my summer for a job, ha. Anywhoo, yeahh, pretty cool that I'm back. I get all these weird looks from people. They look all confused and what not, haha. Tomorrow, I think I'll meet up with some other old people.

Deng, I almost forgot I still need to get my I.D. and books. Eh, I'll do it after school, ha.

And yesterday,

I saw them. I saw both of them. I haven't seen them since the day we left that house. It was really difficult for me to just walk in and say hi as if nothing had ever gone wrong. So, we got out of the car and I had NO idea how to react. I was nervous. I'm hardly ever really nervous now when I have to perform, but I was yesterday. I know we were only going to do it in a 'professional way', which is just sing and get out, but it became more difficult than that.

So, yesterday was my aunt's wedding. Yeah, it was a on a Monday, but it wasn't anything too big. Just her immediate family. Anyhow, my grandma wanted us to sing during the reception, so I said 'why not?'. It was my aunt's wedding, and I knew my uncle and grandpa were going to be there, but I didn't think it would be so hard to see them again.

So, we arrived, got off the car, I was a bit nervous, but it was bareable. Then we walked across the lawn, and I saw my cousin, which is my uncle's son. He said nothing; my nervousness was still bareable. But then Andy and I stopped for a little pep talk in front of the door; my nervousness was still bareable. My grandma came to greet us and tell us to go to the garage where the reception was happening and greet everyone else. I greeted my ex-neighbors, Chris and Susan; still bareable. Then I blanked out right after that. I'm not sure who I greeted first or last, but all I could see was them sitting right across from where I was standing.

There were so many thoughts going through my mind: Do I hug them? Do I shake their hands? Do I not greet them and make them look like dumbasses? Gosh, he's aged so much in these four years that I haven't seen him... and then I felt myself running.

When I got to the restroom, I was angry. I was angry, hurt, embarrassed, and so many other things. I guess I just panicked, and my first reaction was to run. Then I heard my grandma calling my name, and then I heard Andy's voice. I had a bit of running mascara on my cheeks, so I cleaned myself up before opening the door. I told myself to suck it up and just do what I had to do. I opened the door and Andy came in. We talked for a bit about the situation and then he gave me a bit more of a pep talk and we walked out.

My grandma came to hug me and she just told me to let go. That we couldn't ruin Edith's and J.R.'s wedding. Andy, my brother, and I all ate and chatted for a bit to ease my nerves. Then came my madrina, Martha asking why I never called or visited her and what not. It made me angry knowing that these four years she could have asked my grandma for my phone number and talk to me. I just wondered why she couldn't be the one to look for me. She was the adult. We exchanged numbers anyhow, but I knew that I would never be the one to call first.

My grandpa walked in right after. I stood to greet him. It was a cold hug. At least from me, it had no sympathy for him. I introduced Andy to him and he greets him. In his Spanish speaking ways, the first words to come out of my grandpa's mouth were: "Why don't you come to visit me? I never did anything to you. They just don't let you come, huh?" I felt so much anger when he said that. If he only knew all of the hurt and pain that he cost my family, especially my mom. We have been through SO much because of him, and that's the first thing he had to say? So, then he moved over to where my brother was standing and told him that whatever happened between the adults had nothing to do with the kids. In my mind, all that was going through my mind was, "Bullshit. To everything you're saying, it's bullshit!" I simply said nothing when anyone talked to me. All most people recieved from me were shrugs and nods or headshakes. When my grandpa was talking to my brother, he was trying to explain that we were always welcome to their house and crap and he was trying to remain without crying. I could hear his voice almost crack a few times. I didn't care. So, right after this, I went out to greet my uncle/'padrino'. He didn't say much either, just as his son had done before. I don't really care.

My grandma wanted us to sing right after this, so we left back to the car to get the guitar. It felt good to walk away from it all for a few seconds. Then, we walked back and I got nervous again. I just kept telling myself, "Simply professional. Nothing you haven't done before. It's just family. Show them what you can do and what they've missed out on all these years." So, I did. Edith cried. I saw my uncle's face. He was serious. My grandpa stood behind me and wanted me to sing more when I was done. I said that I only knew the songs I had just sung. It was a lie, but I just wanted to leave already. Talking to him and just seeing him again, was too awkward. We lied and said that Andy had to go to a gig so that we could leave early. I felt bad cause it was Edith's wedding and I know she wanted us to stay, but everything was too harsh for my brother and me. So, we headed back to the car simply relieved that this had been done and over with.

The simple fact is, whatever happened in that house, made a huge impact in my life. It matured, but it also hurt my family and me in so many ways. It's been hell trying to get back up again all of these years. There is nobody who will know or understand what my family and I have gone through all these years unless they have lived exactly the same thing. I cannot hate anymore. I don't hate them. I still am very hurt and angry, but I'm letting them live their lives as if we were never there. We're all better off that way. Yes, they are my mom's family, but they really are not being what they should be. Or at least acting like it.

I thank God for all that he has given us. Only he knows where this will all end, or start. I thank him for the obstacles he has put in front of us, for they have only made my family stronger and we now only count on each other. We don't need anyone to lecture us on how to be strong and stay together. We already have that. And not only do I have that, but God has given me Andy to stand by my side through everything. He's not officially part of my family yet, but we all consider him to be. We all help each other out. Just like a family should do. A real one anyhow.

So this was what happened yesterday. Today, I just thank God for letting my whole family be alive together another day and for allowing me to face my fears. Today, I still remain standing, and will continue to go on no matter what happens.