Rainy Days.

Well, this week was going pretty well until today when it began to rain on my way into school and all of my clothes got soaked. My toes and hands were frozen the whole day, and it was very unpleasant being in school feeling like I just came out of a pool on a cold day.

But like everything else, the rain has its good and its bad sides. I honestly don't mind the rain or cloudy days the majority of the time. I don't know what it is about days like these that make me feel at peace.

I remember when Andy and I used to sit in his car sometimes on rainy days listening to music, but also listening to the pitter-patter of the rain on the car's window. We would just park on some random street and just sit there and talk or cuddle.

Or other times, we would go to wherever it was that I was living and we would get blankets and just cuddle up.

And then there was the times before Andy came and our whole house would just be dim from the sun hiding behind the clouds, and all that was on around our house was the candles my mom loves to light. Scented candles. A vanilla, or cherry pie, or some sort of homey scent like that would make the whole house smell and feel so comfortable. I miss that..

It's All Good, Baby.

My 3-day weekend was great. I know today isn't over yet, but I know that overall, it was the best weekend I've had in a long time. There's nothing better than spending your days with your family (:

Friday; Monica, Andy, and I went bowling. It was my first time bowling and I didn't do as bad as I thought I would, haha. I scored 3 strikes in 2 games. And I won the second game, haha. Then I finally got my phone reactivated thanks to my grandma. Then, I spent the night at Monica's, and that was fun like always.

Saturday; Monica, Rene, Jeanette, and I all went to the Tumbleweeds show in Fullerton in Juan's car and listened to Eisley, Lights, and Meg&Dia. The show was nice. It was held at the Santa Fe Express Cafe right at a metro station and it was nice. Media also played, and I hadn't seen them in a while. It was cold out, but the music was nice. And it felt good to get out. We headed back at around 10 and got home at almost 11 and the rest of the night I spent with Andy again (:

Sunday; We went back to Monica's house, and I spent a whole day with Andy. It was great. We didn't do much, but the rain, and just being with my family felt great. We played Clue, and some of Monopoly, but we stopped cause we ended up wanting to get ice cream. Andy and I went to buy Monica and me some ice cream, and it felt good riding in a car with Andy on a rainy night listening to John Mayer. I missed him so much. It felt good to be next to him alone again. I loved it.

Today; is another rainy day in January. I'm stuck home with nothing to do, but I don't mind it. I've been in my pajamas all day wearing Andy's jacket, and just fidgeting with things on the Internet. I love it. It would be better if Andy were here, but I just have to be patient to see him again.

So, that's my whole weekend. I enjoyed it thanks to my family. Especially Andy. We spent five days in a row together. I love you, baby<3

<33

"patience is the key to life."

This is what I always say. I always knew what it meant, and even though I thought I did, I guess I never really believed in it until now.

Surprisingly, this year has started off very well for me. Regardless of all of the pain and heartbreak that I've put myself through these past few months, my life has really turned around. All I needed was patience.

A lot of the times, we give advice, but don't take it, and for once, I finally took my own, and it worked.

On New Year's Eve, I finally decided to put everything in the hands of God. I told Him that from that point on I was letting go. My new year was going to start off according to what he wanted me to do. I was no longer going to try to control my life. And I know that nobody is supposed to try to control their life and that you should always leave your life in the hands of God, but the ugly truth is that before we know it, the majority of the time, we tend to forget that God is there and we end up wanting to take control because we don't like what we have coming up against us. But this time, I decided to let go. The breakup, Andy, how miserable I was about moving out here, and so many other things were going to be put behind me and I was going to walk ahead with my chin up.

Right when I said this to myself and God, my heart felt such a weight lifted off its fragile-self, and it felt like someone had just sprinkled pixie dust on me or waved a magic wand over my body. I didn't feel this way instantly, but within a few days after that, things felt like they were falling into place.

I made a new friend out here, and when I started school, I actually felt a bit happy and excited. I was beginning to feel happy with deciding to stay here in Perris. Of course, I still felt a bit of heartbreak, but I knew that things happened for a reason.

I knew that Andy had done what he had done for a reason, but I was no longer going to bother him about it, and even though in my heart I felt that I had a huge part of me missing not knowing the truth about why he did what he did, I almost decided to let it all go. Up until I finally got the answer to what I had been looking for.

Two Wednesday mornings ago, I woke to reading a blog written to me by Andy. It was an apology explaining why he had done what he did, and a few other things. When I read it, my heart fluttered and then dropped. It felt like a baby bird when it wants to begin flying, but still doesn't know how to. Reading it made me know that he had always loved me this whole time, but it also made me sad to know that all of the pain that I had gone through could have been avoided if he had just said that from the beginning.

That Wednesday was my first day back to school. As much as I tried to avoid it, the blog came coming back to me. I wanted to let go. I was confused because so many promises were broken, but yet again, Andy had come through like he always did. He broke through and once again brought upon another life lesson for me. He has done it all over again.

Friday of the same week, Andy and I talked things out.

And today, we remain inevitable. I realized that I was always in a rush for some reason or had some sort of pressure on me. For what? I honestly still don't know, but I no longer feel that rush or pressure that I used to feel. I feel patient.

I guess I always knew that I Andy would stand by me no matter what, but maybe I needed to actually see something done to understand it. At this moment, there is no rush, or impatience. I feel calm about things going on with me. And for some reason, I already know that I'm going to live a good year. WE are going to live a good year, and even a good life. All we have to do is be patient.

How long this emotion will last, I honestly don't know, but I really hope it lasts forever because I'm really loving it. My life at the moment, is very good thanks to God. Is my time finally here for things to be okay? Well, I'll find out soon. And if not, then waiting this time won't be so bad.

Thank you for reading.
   

Decision Made.

Man, oh, man....

Who knew that so much could happen in such a short amount of time? I sure as hell did not, haha.

So, my decision has been made. I'm officially staying here in Perris.

God works in such mysterious ways... wow.

Maybe life here in Perris won't be so bad. I honestly don't know what it is, but I think I'm beginning to move on.

Everything does happen for a reason. And for those of you out there that don't believe in that concept, before you know it, you'll be figuring that all on your own. I promise.

Well, Happy New Year to everyone out there.

I wish everyone a year with blissful memories, and lots of love, and happiness.

Thank you (:

Untitled.

A new year is coming, and I have one decision to make.

I'm still unsure if I should stay or go.

I thought I knew what I wanted, but one thing now is holding me back in a way. It made me think a lot more than what I was thinking before.

God does work in mysterious ways, but maybe I'm afraid.

I've always despised change so much that I'm coming to realize that I will do anything to stay far away from it.

'Whatever it takes' still seems to be embossed into my mind and stubborn heart. It's the memories. And the loneliness...

Why hasn't it disappeared?

Why do I always refuse to let go?

None of this makes sense to me...

I can't say that I'm moving on, because God and I both know that the truth is I still love him. And there are times where I still find myself growing angry, or sad, or frustrated, and I can either cry myself to sleep, or I won't even realize that I'm crying.

I mean, I'm not as bad I used to be, but the pain is still there. I've just learned how to hide it better and not let it take control. But sometimes, it almost does. And that's when I want to leave more than anything.

I still don't have friends here.
Yes, I have my family, but sometimes, family isn't what I need. Sometimes, I just need that one person that I know will always be there and isn't part of my problems. Actually, that's not sometimes; it's a lot of the times.

I miss having that one person that I know I can go to no matter what that can keep a smile on my face through anything. That will understand me and not judge me, and that I can just be myself around. I miss it so much.

If I didn't have him, then who else did I have? No one.

I hate that it's so difficult to let go. I hate that I always let myself get so attached, but I've never really had anyone like he was there for me. Could I really be to blame?..

But regardless of my emotions toward him, I'm trying my best to put them aside to give him the push he needs to move forward like he wishes to. It's always been this way. I just want him to be happy more than anything. If me being out of his life is what he needed, as much as it hurts me to still know and recall that fact, I will do my best to push my emotions aside and encourage and support him to keep him happy.

In the meantime, I have so much mending and so much to try and figure out.
There's so much to be thought in so little time...

Why do I have to think so much? /:

Goodbye.

Tomorrow is it; My last day at Rancho Verde High School.

Then, it's Christmas, and then a brand new year...

Wow. Time moves fast.

Today, I looked through my old photobucket, and it brought back too many memories. From my freshmen year to my sophomore year.

Man, how I've changed and grown so much.

But I think I'm ready to move on to a new year. A new start. To a school I've already attended, but maybe meet different people, or just actually enjoy my last semester of high school for once.

This time, it will be different. Hopefully better, but definitely different.

I'm ready. I think.








No; I know I am..

One Year Ago,

I started this blog.

I'm not sure if I will continue writing in this blog or make a new one just yet.

Chances are I'll probably make a new one, but who knows? I change my mind pretty often.

A year ago, my life was so much different than it is now. A year ago, I was happy. Complete.

Now, I don't know where to go from here..



Only time will tell, I guess.

Goodnight.

A Change of Heart.

This week has been pretty...interesting, I guess you can say, ha. A LOT has happened. Looks like I won't be in Perris by the end of December anymore. So, my choices are Rialto and Ontario. I have yet to chose between the two. Personally, I feel that Ontario is a better choice at the moment.. Not just because it's home to me, but I don't know. Well, we'll see what happens.

I just need a break away from everything. I love my family with all of my heart, but I am literally about to snap. But when I feel like this and we get down Riverside Dr. in Rialto, I feel a sense of relief, and I don't know, I just feel home. I guess one of the main issues is that i'm homesick. ha.

Well, yeah, that's pretty much whats been up with that.

Write more later. Bye.

Almost Fixed.

Uhm, yeah, it's been a while since I've blogged. A lot has happened since the last time I've written on here.

All I can really say is I wish I had never moved.

I miss the semi-normal life I haven't had. ha.

How is it possible to miss something that you didn't have for years now?

How is it that everything can just fall apart within a matter of weeks?...

I really need somebody right now.

I miss talking.

I miss being held.

I can't even cry anymore really.

I guess, I just miss him more than anything...

:/

I love you, Penguin. And I miss you...
You'll always have that special place in my heart, my love.
And you'll always be my best friend<33

Sounds and Theory

is a band Andy's in. They are super amazing! I love their music, and I'm Andy's number one fan!! haha. Well anyway, for anyone interested, they are playing at The Wire in Upland on Friday, November 13th, and at the Glasshouse in Pomona on Sunday, November 15th!! The tickets are selling for $10 bucks. So if you guys want to hear really amazing, inspirational music, GO, GO, GO!!! Help support them!!!!

Also they will be selling merchandise soon, so anyone interested in going to their shows hit me up on myspace: myspace.com/straightjacketkid

I will hopefully be attending the show on the 15th and I definitely hope to see you there!!! Thanks for your support!!! (:

Almsot Literally Walking Taller.

This is the longest that I've gone without writing in such a long time. And the sad thing about it is that I have internet, ha. Well, things have been a bit better in some ways I presume. I still have a 3.6 GPA, and I've kept my weight off. I'm still at 183. Uh, for Andy and me? Well, things are working out better I believe. I still don't see him everyday, but three days out of the week is way better than seeing him only once a week. We haven't really fought in the past few weeks, which I know is a good thing.

Thank God that he's stood by my side this whole time. I honestly believe that without him, I would just go insane. I honestly hate being home. It kind of feels like I live alone a lot of the time. Everyone's always on their own. Dad's on the computer or watching a movie, Mom's cooking or talking to my nina or just on her own, Rene's on the computer, and the girls are always in Vivi's room; as for me, I just try to find ways to keep busy too, I guess. Sometimes, it's impossible to do that here though. It's too quiet. And it's the same routine everyday.

I'll wake up, go to school, and come home to nothing. It's sad that sometimes I make myself have homework just so that I have something to do. But it's fine, I guess. I have three A's and 2 B's right now. Don't know if I will for sure have my 4.0 by the end of the sememster, but I'm working at it.

Lately though, I know that God's been helping me out. Like my mom's been cooperating with me about going to see Andy once or twice a week and that's a plus from seeing him on Sundays. Also, Andy got promoted at work, so now he sell's guitars and his pay is higher, and he seems a lot healthier and happier. I'm so happy for him. Although, sometimes, I wish I could be better for him. But I'm really trying my best. I honestly am. I try to go as many times as I can to see him, but gas money is a drag to find. Sometimes, I have to dig for quarters in a drawer and in the car and stuff, haha, but honestly who doesn't do that nowadays?

Yeah, looking for a job up here is the worst. I've applied at a bunch of shopping centers, but most of them are empty a lot of the time, so since business is slow, a lot of stores really don't need people. Ah, economy. I hate it.

But yeah, like I was saying, he got promoted and well, now he has his days off Thursdays and Sundays, and since we go to Rialto every Sunday, I will officially get to spend one whole day with him instead of spending two or three hours with him only. Thank you, God. It feels good to be able to do that. I miss him a lot of the time, but lately I've been seeing more of him, so that's a good thing for our relationship. Uhm, what else is going on?...

Oh, yeah, I dropped choir. It was just getting to be too much on my family and me with the whole money issue. I mean, we barely have enough money to afford for gas and such things, I felt selfish for having to ask for money for a dress and trips cause I know that that money will benefit my family more. Plus, the stress was getting to be too much. Yeah, I could've raised the money somehow, but the truth is, I already have enough to worry about. I honestly didn't want to have to stress anymore than I really need to. And plus it was also a few other things that were bothering me in that class, so I just dropped it. Now, I'm just a TA for my English teacher, Mrs. Thomas. Haha, but I'm the only student in her class cause I'm a TA for her prep period, so sometimes, I have to wait outside and people think I'm ditching, haha.

Honestly, and sadly, I feel less stressed now that I dropped it. My day goes by soo much quicker and I feel like I have a small weight lifted off my shoulders. Yeah, I've taken choir for five years, but this year it just became too much for me. I do miss singing, but what can I do? For now, I just have to focus on my family, which includes Andy, and graduating.

Life at this point is... better? Nah, I'm not really sure if I can say better, but it doesn't feel as miserable as it did a month and a half ago. I mean, I miss home so so so so much. I still miss seeing bums in the street and I miss liquor stores, and not having to drive ten to fifteen minutes to the nearest Wal Mart or Stater Bros. and I miss waiting for Andy to come home and I miss being held by him and I miss being able to do my own thing in my own house and I miss living in a city that's not too loud, but it's not empty, and there's SOME type of ghetto going on, haha. I miss home.

I know that this year, my holidays are gonna be soo much worse than any other year. Most of all cause I won't be at home. I think that helped me feel a bit of spirit. Just knowing that you're home and that you have the person you love most to cuddle with. I really miss that. But who knows? Maybe I can spend half of the holidays with Andy's family and then come home and spend the rest with mine. I don't know. I'll have to make the best of it somehow. But to make matters worse, this is the third year that I've known Andy and I still won't be able to get him anything. I know that he doesn't expect anything, but I wish I could at least give him something small. He deserves it and so much more for all that he's done for me and my family.

All I can do for now, is look forward to a new year. A better year hopefully. One where there will be less struggles. One where I can possibly go home. One where I can start my own life. Possibly have a car, a little bit of money, and gas at all times. One where my dad won't have to worry as much. Oh, God, how I wish for nothing more than for my family not struggle so much anymore. They don't deserve it. I know that we as a family deserve so much better. If anything, we've been there to help soo many people. What have we done wrong? Where did we go wrong?...

Well, all I can do is hope and pray for more strength. For now, I have to be strong. I will proceed my findings for a job, and keep my head up, and keep my GPA up, and keep working on my relationship with Andy. Those are my priorities for now. Well, it was nice to do this and catch up a little on blogging. Happy Halloween to everyone. And for those out there partying and having a good time, be careful. Thanks for reading. God bless!  

7 Days

'til we go to Knott's Scary Farm :DD





How exciting!!



p.s. I've been a bit hopeful.
I know things will get better...



<3

Broadcast to You From a Mind and Soul Under Construction.

For those of you who are blessed enough to be where you'll never know you truly wanted to be,
appreciate it.

I know that this may not make much sense for most of you out there,
but only if you've been through the things that I've experienced,
you would know what I mean.

Nobody will ever know how much pain it costs to not be able to be near the one you love so dearly,
or to have to carry this huge smile on your face, when in all reality, you feel it.
You feel that you're whole world is falling apart, and it's up to only you now to hold everything together.
Nobody knows what it's like to have your entire life just brutally torn away from you within a matter of days. Unless you've been in my shoes for at least five minutes, you'll never know.

Everyone has their story to tell.
I have mine.
My life may not be as bad as others economic-wise,
but I've lived quite enough to know what pain is.

Pain is loving your family so much,
that when both your parents can't work,
you have to see your little sisters wear hand-me-downs,
and not be able to enjoy the life of a normal childhood.

Pain is spending every single day with the only person that has your heart,
and then one day,
you can only spend one day a week with him,
and then everything begins to fall apart.

Pain is trying to hold love together on your own.

Pain is not having stability or security.

Pain is not being able to do one fucken thing.

Pain is having to sit back and watch everything happen when you feel, believe,
and know that it just takes one phone call to fix everything.

Pain is loving to sing more than anything in this world,
but now everytime that you talk out loud for more than ten minutes,
your voice begins to hurt.

Pain is believing that the world doesn't always revolve around money,
and then getting proved completely wrong.

Pain is what my life is about.

It may not be physical pain.
It may not seem as difficult as it reads,
but this is my life.
This is the pain that I go through daily.

Only I will ever know what this feels like in my heart,
because this is my life.

For those of you that complain because you don't like where you live and you have your own house;
For those of you that say you're in love with your boyfriend and have the privilege of being able to see them everyday, but you don't because 'you get annoyed by them';
For those of you that can have and can get what you want and need that you just need to ask your parents for the money and they can give it to you within the snap of a finger;
For those of you who think that you can't;

Learn to appreciate that you have your own house.
Learn to appreciate that you can see your boyfriend everyday.
Learn to appreciate that you can have exactly what you want when you want it.
And for those of you that think that you can't, always remember, and believe that you can...

My life is officially under construction.
I don't want any interruptions.
So if I don't talk to you, or respond back to you,
I'm sorry.
But I have things to fix.
And I will fix them.
Things will be bigger, and better than they ever were.
I promise.

Best Accomplishment By Far.

These past few weeks have been pretty hectic and really stressful for me, and the stress will continue to happen, but thanks to this stress, I've lost 17 pounds since August.

I am now back to weighing 183, and this was all without a diet, ha.

I will be back down to my size 11 pants in no time (:

Okay,

I lied. So what? We're all human right? Well, things aren't back exactly to the way they were, but I'm working on it.

My short term goals right now are:
_Get a job
_Pass this sememster with a 4.0 GPA
_Fix everything with you<3
_Buy Christmas presents for you and my family

Yeah, it's a lot, but I believe that once I find a job, it all should be downhill from there. With the help from God, I will keep my strength, and accomplish these goals. I promise.