Untitled.

A new year is coming, and I have one decision to make.

I'm still unsure if I should stay or go.

I thought I knew what I wanted, but one thing now is holding me back in a way. It made me think a lot more than what I was thinking before.

God does work in mysterious ways, but maybe I'm afraid.

I've always despised change so much that I'm coming to realize that I will do anything to stay far away from it.

'Whatever it takes' still seems to be embossed into my mind and stubborn heart. It's the memories. And the loneliness...

Why hasn't it disappeared?

Why do I always refuse to let go?

None of this makes sense to me...

I can't say that I'm moving on, because God and I both know that the truth is I still love him. And there are times where I still find myself growing angry, or sad, or frustrated, and I can either cry myself to sleep, or I won't even realize that I'm crying.

I mean, I'm not as bad I used to be, but the pain is still there. I've just learned how to hide it better and not let it take control. But sometimes, it almost does. And that's when I want to leave more than anything.

I still don't have friends here.
Yes, I have my family, but sometimes, family isn't what I need. Sometimes, I just need that one person that I know will always be there and isn't part of my problems. Actually, that's not sometimes; it's a lot of the times.

I miss having that one person that I know I can go to no matter what that can keep a smile on my face through anything. That will understand me and not judge me, and that I can just be myself around. I miss it so much.

If I didn't have him, then who else did I have? No one.

I hate that it's so difficult to let go. I hate that I always let myself get so attached, but I've never really had anyone like he was there for me. Could I really be to blame?..

But regardless of my emotions toward him, I'm trying my best to put them aside to give him the push he needs to move forward like he wishes to. It's always been this way. I just want him to be happy more than anything. If me being out of his life is what he needed, as much as it hurts me to still know and recall that fact, I will do my best to push my emotions aside and encourage and support him to keep him happy.

In the meantime, I have so much mending and so much to try and figure out.
There's so much to be thought in so little time...

Why do I have to think so much? /:

Goodbye.

Tomorrow is it; My last day at Rancho Verde High School.

Then, it's Christmas, and then a brand new year...

Wow. Time moves fast.

Today, I looked through my old photobucket, and it brought back too many memories. From my freshmen year to my sophomore year.

Man, how I've changed and grown so much.

But I think I'm ready to move on to a new year. A new start. To a school I've already attended, but maybe meet different people, or just actually enjoy my last semester of high school for once.

This time, it will be different. Hopefully better, but definitely different.

I'm ready. I think.








No; I know I am..

One Year Ago,

I started this blog.

I'm not sure if I will continue writing in this blog or make a new one just yet.

Chances are I'll probably make a new one, but who knows? I change my mind pretty often.

A year ago, my life was so much different than it is now. A year ago, I was happy. Complete.

Now, I don't know where to go from here..



Only time will tell, I guess.

Goodnight.