This is the longest that I've gone without writing in such a long time. And the sad thing about it is that I have internet, ha. Well, things have been a bit better in some ways I presume. I still have a 3.6 GPA, and I've kept my weight off. I'm still at 183. Uh, for Andy and me? Well, things are working out better I believe. I still don't see him everyday, but three days out of the week is way better than seeing him only once a week. We haven't really fought in the past few weeks, which I know is a good thing.
Thank God that he's stood by my side this whole time. I honestly believe that without him, I would just go insane. I honestly hate being home. It kind of feels like I live alone a lot of the time. Everyone's always on their own. Dad's on the computer or watching a movie, Mom's cooking or talking to my nina or just on her own, Rene's on the computer, and the girls are always in Vivi's room; as for me, I just try to find ways to keep busy too, I guess. Sometimes, it's impossible to do that here though. It's too quiet. And it's the same routine everyday.
I'll wake up, go to school, and come home to nothing. It's sad that sometimes I make myself have homework just so that I have something to do. But it's fine, I guess. I have three A's and 2 B's right now. Don't know if I will for sure have my 4.0 by the end of the sememster, but I'm working at it.
Lately though, I know that God's been helping me out. Like my mom's been cooperating with me about going to see Andy once or twice a week and that's a plus from seeing him on Sundays. Also, Andy got promoted at work, so now he sell's guitars and his pay is higher, and he seems a lot healthier and happier. I'm so happy for him. Although, sometimes, I wish I could be better for him. But I'm really trying my best. I honestly am. I try to go as many times as I can to see him, but gas money is a drag to find. Sometimes, I have to dig for quarters in a drawer and in the car and stuff, haha, but honestly who doesn't do that nowadays?
Yeah, looking for a job up here is the worst. I've applied at a bunch of shopping centers, but most of them are empty a lot of the time, so since business is slow, a lot of stores really don't need people. Ah, economy. I hate it.
But yeah, like I was saying, he got promoted and well, now he has his days off Thursdays and Sundays, and since we go to Rialto every Sunday, I will officially get to spend one whole day with him instead of spending two or three hours with him only. Thank you, God. It feels good to be able to do that. I miss him a lot of the time, but lately I've been seeing more of him, so that's a good thing for our relationship. Uhm, what else is going on?...
Oh, yeah, I dropped choir. It was just getting to be too much on my family and me with the whole money issue. I mean, we barely have enough money to afford for gas and such things, I felt selfish for having to ask for money for a dress and trips cause I know that that money will benefit my family more. Plus, the stress was getting to be too much. Yeah, I could've raised the money somehow, but the truth is, I already have enough to worry about. I honestly didn't want to have to stress anymore than I really need to. And plus it was also a few other things that were bothering me in that class, so I just dropped it. Now, I'm just a TA for my English teacher, Mrs. Thomas. Haha, but I'm the only student in her class cause I'm a TA for her prep period, so sometimes, I have to wait outside and people think I'm ditching, haha.
Honestly, and sadly, I feel less stressed now that I dropped it. My day goes by soo much quicker and I feel like I have a small weight lifted off my shoulders. Yeah, I've taken choir for five years, but this year it just became too much for me. I do miss singing, but what can I do? For now, I just have to focus on my family, which includes Andy, and graduating.
Life at this point is... better? Nah, I'm not really sure if I can say better, but it doesn't feel as miserable as it did a month and a half ago. I mean, I miss home so so so so much. I still miss seeing bums in the street and I miss liquor stores, and not having to drive ten to fifteen minutes to the nearest Wal Mart or Stater Bros. and I miss waiting for Andy to come home and I miss being held by him and I miss being able to do my own thing in my own house and I miss living in a city that's not too loud, but it's not empty, and there's SOME type of ghetto going on, haha. I miss home.
I know that this year, my holidays are gonna be soo much worse than any other year. Most of all cause I won't be at home. I think that helped me feel a bit of spirit. Just knowing that you're home and that you have the person you love most to cuddle with. I really miss that. But who knows? Maybe I can spend half of the holidays with Andy's family and then come home and spend the rest with mine. I don't know. I'll have to make the best of it somehow. But to make matters worse, this is the third year that I've known Andy and I still won't be able to get him anything. I know that he doesn't expect anything, but I wish I could at least give him something small. He deserves it and so much more for all that he's done for me and my family.
All I can do for now, is look forward to a new year. A better year hopefully. One where there will be less struggles. One where I can possibly go home. One where I can start my own life. Possibly have a car, a little bit of money, and gas at all times. One where my dad won't have to worry as much. Oh, God, how I wish for nothing more than for my family not struggle so much anymore. They don't deserve it. I know that we as a family deserve so much better. If anything, we've been there to help soo many people. What have we done wrong? Where did we go wrong?...
Well, all I can do is hope and pray for more strength. For now, I have to be strong. I will proceed my findings for a job, and keep my head up, and keep my GPA up, and keep working on my relationship with Andy. Those are my priorities for now. Well, it was nice to do this and catch up a little on blogging. Happy Halloween to everyone. And for those out there partying and having a good time, be careful. Thanks for reading. God bless!
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