And yesterday,

I saw them. I saw both of them. I haven't seen them since the day we left that house. It was really difficult for me to just walk in and say hi as if nothing had ever gone wrong. So, we got out of the car and I had NO idea how to react. I was nervous. I'm hardly ever really nervous now when I have to perform, but I was yesterday. I know we were only going to do it in a 'professional way', which is just sing and get out, but it became more difficult than that.

So, yesterday was my aunt's wedding. Yeah, it was a on a Monday, but it wasn't anything too big. Just her immediate family. Anyhow, my grandma wanted us to sing during the reception, so I said 'why not?'. It was my aunt's wedding, and I knew my uncle and grandpa were going to be there, but I didn't think it would be so hard to see them again.

So, we arrived, got off the car, I was a bit nervous, but it was bareable. Then we walked across the lawn, and I saw my cousin, which is my uncle's son. He said nothing; my nervousness was still bareable. But then Andy and I stopped for a little pep talk in front of the door; my nervousness was still bareable. My grandma came to greet us and tell us to go to the garage where the reception was happening and greet everyone else. I greeted my ex-neighbors, Chris and Susan; still bareable. Then I blanked out right after that. I'm not sure who I greeted first or last, but all I could see was them sitting right across from where I was standing.

There were so many thoughts going through my mind: Do I hug them? Do I shake their hands? Do I not greet them and make them look like dumbasses? Gosh, he's aged so much in these four years that I haven't seen him... and then I felt myself running.

When I got to the restroom, I was angry. I was angry, hurt, embarrassed, and so many other things. I guess I just panicked, and my first reaction was to run. Then I heard my grandma calling my name, and then I heard Andy's voice. I had a bit of running mascara on my cheeks, so I cleaned myself up before opening the door. I told myself to suck it up and just do what I had to do. I opened the door and Andy came in. We talked for a bit about the situation and then he gave me a bit more of a pep talk and we walked out.

My grandma came to hug me and she just told me to let go. That we couldn't ruin Edith's and J.R.'s wedding. Andy, my brother, and I all ate and chatted for a bit to ease my nerves. Then came my madrina, Martha asking why I never called or visited her and what not. It made me angry knowing that these four years she could have asked my grandma for my phone number and talk to me. I just wondered why she couldn't be the one to look for me. She was the adult. We exchanged numbers anyhow, but I knew that I would never be the one to call first.

My grandpa walked in right after. I stood to greet him. It was a cold hug. At least from me, it had no sympathy for him. I introduced Andy to him and he greets him. In his Spanish speaking ways, the first words to come out of my grandpa's mouth were: "Why don't you come to visit me? I never did anything to you. They just don't let you come, huh?" I felt so much anger when he said that. If he only knew all of the hurt and pain that he cost my family, especially my mom. We have been through SO much because of him, and that's the first thing he had to say? So, then he moved over to where my brother was standing and told him that whatever happened between the adults had nothing to do with the kids. In my mind, all that was going through my mind was, "Bullshit. To everything you're saying, it's bullshit!" I simply said nothing when anyone talked to me. All most people recieved from me were shrugs and nods or headshakes. When my grandpa was talking to my brother, he was trying to explain that we were always welcome to their house and crap and he was trying to remain without crying. I could hear his voice almost crack a few times. I didn't care. So, right after this, I went out to greet my uncle/'padrino'. He didn't say much either, just as his son had done before. I don't really care.

My grandma wanted us to sing right after this, so we left back to the car to get the guitar. It felt good to walk away from it all for a few seconds. Then, we walked back and I got nervous again. I just kept telling myself, "Simply professional. Nothing you haven't done before. It's just family. Show them what you can do and what they've missed out on all these years." So, I did. Edith cried. I saw my uncle's face. He was serious. My grandpa stood behind me and wanted me to sing more when I was done. I said that I only knew the songs I had just sung. It was a lie, but I just wanted to leave already. Talking to him and just seeing him again, was too awkward. We lied and said that Andy had to go to a gig so that we could leave early. I felt bad cause it was Edith's wedding and I know she wanted us to stay, but everything was too harsh for my brother and me. So, we headed back to the car simply relieved that this had been done and over with.

The simple fact is, whatever happened in that house, made a huge impact in my life. It matured, but it also hurt my family and me in so many ways. It's been hell trying to get back up again all of these years. There is nobody who will know or understand what my family and I have gone through all these years unless they have lived exactly the same thing. I cannot hate anymore. I don't hate them. I still am very hurt and angry, but I'm letting them live their lives as if we were never there. We're all better off that way. Yes, they are my mom's family, but they really are not being what they should be. Or at least acting like it.

I thank God for all that he has given us. Only he knows where this will all end, or start. I thank him for the obstacles he has put in front of us, for they have only made my family stronger and we now only count on each other. We don't need anyone to lecture us on how to be strong and stay together. We already have that. And not only do I have that, but God has given me Andy to stand by my side through everything. He's not officially part of my family yet, but we all consider him to be. We all help each other out. Just like a family should do. A real one anyhow.

So this was what happened yesterday. Today, I just thank God for letting my whole family be alive together another day and for allowing me to face my fears. Today, I still remain standing, and will continue to go on no matter what happens.