Not stupid.

At this point I hate myself. I love him. More than anything. I have no one anymore. He's out of my life.









Goodbye.

One more thing:

Mr. Harms: What do you do with your instruments before you play with your band?

Kid: Tune it....?

Mr. Harms: Then why would you not tune your voice to the music as well?

Kid: ......

Mr. Harms: You see, why do you want the music to be in tune when your voice doesn't match it at all?

Haha, Harms is talking about like hardcore bands and all those other types of music that scream, haha. I find it true. And funny. Haha.

Hm,

Short stories are pretty interesting and fun to write.



It's like showing the world what goes on in your mind (:

Hoy,

fue un dia bonito (:



Haha, Spanish. Yeahh, it was a really pretty day today. It wasn't sunny, but it rained in May. I thought it was pretty.

Very blissful.

Boy,

performing is tiring! Haha, but it was fun, I'll have to admit (:



I really enjoyed working with Jenny and Daylene. Even though the costumes were thick, hot, and ugly, I enjoyed it, ha.



My day started off pretty hectic, but Jenny helped turn everything around. I needed make-up, a curler, and food, and she provided all of it. I can't thank her enough<3

Hope to perform with her again someday :D

Man, oh, man...

These past two weeks have been hectic! But hard work pays off. At least I hope it will, haha. The PBL thing is tomorrow and I perform with Jenny and Daylene finally. Oh my gosh, and the end of the year is exactly TWO WEEKS away from today!

Gosh! I still cannot believe it's here. Well, yes I can. I've been in school for too long this year. I NEED a break.

Man, I hope I can finally stay in one spot for next year and graduation. I actually want to have SOME sort of memories when I look at my yearbook next year. It makes me sad sometimes that I don't have that many, ha, but I guess I'll take what God wants to give me.

I will blog again soon hopefully. I miss having my own internet :(

One Simple Act of Kindness.

I'm actually growing up. I feel it. I realize more things on my own now, and I'm trying to be a better person all on my own. Trying not to be so angry.

It's hard work. But I think I can pull it off.

I officially don't like quitting now, ha. And I think I've finally learned to let go. I still dislike people, but then I sit back and realize that I can be better.

If you don't sit down and learn to observe your surroundings and try to change the things you dislike about them, then things are never going to be any better and you complaining won't help at all either.

That is fact.

So, the next time that somebody gives you attitude or yells at you, don't get even. Get nice. Depending on how well you know the person, ask them what's wrong. And if you barely know the person, try to think about their lifestyle at home.

I've learned that everyone is different and that everyone learns their own way and at their own pace.

It's not easy. Believe me, it's not. But if you really put your mind to it, doing something like this can possibly even save a life.

Pass it on.






(:

Long Time.

Yeah, it's been a while since I've blogged, or so it feels like it, ha. Well, life has been pret-ty good these past couple of days. Some complications between me and the parents, but eh, things'll work themselves out.

So, I met a new girl. Her name is Rebecca, but she prefers Reba, ha. Yeah, she's pretty cool, and smart. I have her for Algebra II and we hang out during lunch together. I like meeting new people. You have a lot to say when you don't know a person cause you have to get to know them.

Yeahh, I now believe I have a chance in passing Algebra II and Physics, thank God! Uhm, choir's still kind of 'eh', but I can't wait for the performances. Ugh, and that retarded PBL project is really gey. I haven't even done it :p Go figure, ha. Oh! I have a B+ in English :DD That's somewhat of a shocker for me, haha.

Oh, and I'm excited for Drama Day :D I get to see 'Fiddler on the Roof' for free (: AND I get to not go to any of my classes! That's pretty cool, ha.

Man, I can't believe we only have FIVE more weeks left of school! D: That's a tiny bit of time now. Well, for me it is, and I've actually been in school for too long this year :p

So yeah, I'd better get back to doing what I was doing, which was preobably nothing, ha. Yeah, I need a life or a job.

aksduhfksa;fjyirfhe

Global Warming.

It is ninety-four degrees in the middle of APRIL! :O

How scary is that? Like, honestly? Haha, wow.

Good day to go swimming or running through the sprinklers, haha the beaner way! (:

Yeahh, I'm staying inside today and taking a cold shower in a bit.

Summer so soon?

I hate the summer :p

It's too hot!

Steak and Alfredo.

I really love my family. Like, really, I do. I love how they try to go all out for us on our birthdays even if we don't have money, ha. Thank God for food stamps >.< haha.

Yesterday, they had like a small dinner for me with steak, fettuccini alfredo, and baked potato outside in our front yard. It was nice. My mom invited my aunt, grandma, and Davinna and Juan's family. Then I invited my brother from another mother, ha, Bryan. Then my bro invited Justina and Joel. It was pretty nice.

Personally, I would have just preferred to have the dinner with my family, but it turned out to be really nice. Oh, and then Andy bought me a cookie cake from the Nestle Factory like I had been saying that I wanted for months. It had pandas and musical notes on it. It was really cute<33 and then he bought me Sara Lee cheesecake to go with it, haha, cause I wanted that too. I love him, he's such a sweetheart. I wish I would have spent more time with him though. Well, yeah, overall, it turned out to be really nice.

So, tomorrow's my real birthday (: I'm not really excited, ha. Another year closer to death, ha. Nah, I'm totally kidding. It's a bit exciting, but also nerve-wrecking. It's another year closer for me becoming an adult D: Ha, yeah, I sort of dread that thought. It's only for now, cause once it's here, it's here and I won't be able to dodge it any longer. I'm ready, for it, I think, ha. Just don't want to deal with the whole stress of paying off bills, haha, but who does? Haha.

Four Twenty.

Only fifteen more days :DDD





And no, I don't get smoke weed on that day.
I have never done that and don't plan on doing it anytime soon either.






It's my SEVENTEENTH BIRTHDAYYY! (:






I don't really want to do anything special. I just really want a bunny, haha. A dwarf rabbit would complete me, haha.





Oh my gosh! Seventeen years of living on this earth already?? Haha, doesn't seem like a long time ago I was just playing with Barbie, haha.





I need to figure out my life soon, ha.





Well, I'm somewhat excited this year (:
I wish for a bunny, and nothing else :D

(:

I have lost seven pounds without starving myself. I am officially semi-proud of myself, ha. Eating healthier isn't too bad, and I say semi-proud because I have not reached my goal weight...yet. I will get there by the way; I just have to be patient. Good things come to those who wait :D

Rough Day.

Yeah, today was not my favorite day. Too much homework and Chambers are driving me up thee wall! I am stressed out. kdjfhgoiudshg





Yeahh, just had to say that, aha. I'm super tired from last night, ha.



I love my fam. We stood up until midnight yesterday tickling each other and being loud. I love having our own house. We can be as loud as we want without worrying about who's sleeping, ha. I love it (:



Anywhoo, I'm gonna go take a nap now. I'll finish thee rest of my homework later, ha.

First Day.

Yeah, school was pretty hectic on my first day. All my classes had to be rearranged like three times and I hardly had anytime to sit, ha.

So, now, I'm only worried about my grades. I still haven't met my physics teacher, so tomorrow should be interesting. We just had spring break. Pretty funny how I only had class for a day and then went off for vacation again, haha. Yeahh, but now I start school for real.

I am no longer nevous, just curious on how my year's going to end. I DON'T WANT SUMMER SCHOOL, haha. I need my summer for a job, ha. Anywhoo, yeahh, pretty cool that I'm back. I get all these weird looks from people. They look all confused and what not, haha. Tomorrow, I think I'll meet up with some other old people.

Deng, I almost forgot I still need to get my I.D. and books. Eh, I'll do it after school, ha.

And yesterday,

I saw them. I saw both of them. I haven't seen them since the day we left that house. It was really difficult for me to just walk in and say hi as if nothing had ever gone wrong. So, we got out of the car and I had NO idea how to react. I was nervous. I'm hardly ever really nervous now when I have to perform, but I was yesterday. I know we were only going to do it in a 'professional way', which is just sing and get out, but it became more difficult than that.

So, yesterday was my aunt's wedding. Yeah, it was a on a Monday, but it wasn't anything too big. Just her immediate family. Anyhow, my grandma wanted us to sing during the reception, so I said 'why not?'. It was my aunt's wedding, and I knew my uncle and grandpa were going to be there, but I didn't think it would be so hard to see them again.

So, we arrived, got off the car, I was a bit nervous, but it was bareable. Then we walked across the lawn, and I saw my cousin, which is my uncle's son. He said nothing; my nervousness was still bareable. But then Andy and I stopped for a little pep talk in front of the door; my nervousness was still bareable. My grandma came to greet us and tell us to go to the garage where the reception was happening and greet everyone else. I greeted my ex-neighbors, Chris and Susan; still bareable. Then I blanked out right after that. I'm not sure who I greeted first or last, but all I could see was them sitting right across from where I was standing.

There were so many thoughts going through my mind: Do I hug them? Do I shake their hands? Do I not greet them and make them look like dumbasses? Gosh, he's aged so much in these four years that I haven't seen him... and then I felt myself running.

When I got to the restroom, I was angry. I was angry, hurt, embarrassed, and so many other things. I guess I just panicked, and my first reaction was to run. Then I heard my grandma calling my name, and then I heard Andy's voice. I had a bit of running mascara on my cheeks, so I cleaned myself up before opening the door. I told myself to suck it up and just do what I had to do. I opened the door and Andy came in. We talked for a bit about the situation and then he gave me a bit more of a pep talk and we walked out.

My grandma came to hug me and she just told me to let go. That we couldn't ruin Edith's and J.R.'s wedding. Andy, my brother, and I all ate and chatted for a bit to ease my nerves. Then came my madrina, Martha asking why I never called or visited her and what not. It made me angry knowing that these four years she could have asked my grandma for my phone number and talk to me. I just wondered why she couldn't be the one to look for me. She was the adult. We exchanged numbers anyhow, but I knew that I would never be the one to call first.

My grandpa walked in right after. I stood to greet him. It was a cold hug. At least from me, it had no sympathy for him. I introduced Andy to him and he greets him. In his Spanish speaking ways, the first words to come out of my grandpa's mouth were: "Why don't you come to visit me? I never did anything to you. They just don't let you come, huh?" I felt so much anger when he said that. If he only knew all of the hurt and pain that he cost my family, especially my mom. We have been through SO much because of him, and that's the first thing he had to say? So, then he moved over to where my brother was standing and told him that whatever happened between the adults had nothing to do with the kids. In my mind, all that was going through my mind was, "Bullshit. To everything you're saying, it's bullshit!" I simply said nothing when anyone talked to me. All most people recieved from me were shrugs and nods or headshakes. When my grandpa was talking to my brother, he was trying to explain that we were always welcome to their house and crap and he was trying to remain without crying. I could hear his voice almost crack a few times. I didn't care. So, right after this, I went out to greet my uncle/'padrino'. He didn't say much either, just as his son had done before. I don't really care.

My grandma wanted us to sing right after this, so we left back to the car to get the guitar. It felt good to walk away from it all for a few seconds. Then, we walked back and I got nervous again. I just kept telling myself, "Simply professional. Nothing you haven't done before. It's just family. Show them what you can do and what they've missed out on all these years." So, I did. Edith cried. I saw my uncle's face. He was serious. My grandpa stood behind me and wanted me to sing more when I was done. I said that I only knew the songs I had just sung. It was a lie, but I just wanted to leave already. Talking to him and just seeing him again, was too awkward. We lied and said that Andy had to go to a gig so that we could leave early. I felt bad cause it was Edith's wedding and I know she wanted us to stay, but everything was too harsh for my brother and me. So, we headed back to the car simply relieved that this had been done and over with.

The simple fact is, whatever happened in that house, made a huge impact in my life. It matured, but it also hurt my family and me in so many ways. It's been hell trying to get back up again all of these years. There is nobody who will know or understand what my family and I have gone through all these years unless they have lived exactly the same thing. I cannot hate anymore. I don't hate them. I still am very hurt and angry, but I'm letting them live their lives as if we were never there. We're all better off that way. Yes, they are my mom's family, but they really are not being what they should be. Or at least acting like it.

I thank God for all that he has given us. Only he knows where this will all end, or start. I thank him for the obstacles he has put in front of us, for they have only made my family stronger and we now only count on each other. We don't need anyone to lecture us on how to be strong and stay together. We already have that. And not only do I have that, but God has given me Andy to stand by my side through everything. He's not officially part of my family yet, but we all consider him to be. We all help each other out. Just like a family should do. A real one anyhow.

So this was what happened yesterday. Today, I just thank God for letting my whole family be alive together another day and for allowing me to face my fears. Today, I still remain standing, and will continue to go on no matter what happens.