Untitled.

A new year is coming, and I have one decision to make.

I'm still unsure if I should stay or go.

I thought I knew what I wanted, but one thing now is holding me back in a way. It made me think a lot more than what I was thinking before.

God does work in mysterious ways, but maybe I'm afraid.

I've always despised change so much that I'm coming to realize that I will do anything to stay far away from it.

'Whatever it takes' still seems to be embossed into my mind and stubborn heart. It's the memories. And the loneliness...

Why hasn't it disappeared?

Why do I always refuse to let go?

None of this makes sense to me...

I can't say that I'm moving on, because God and I both know that the truth is I still love him. And there are times where I still find myself growing angry, or sad, or frustrated, and I can either cry myself to sleep, or I won't even realize that I'm crying.

I mean, I'm not as bad I used to be, but the pain is still there. I've just learned how to hide it better and not let it take control. But sometimes, it almost does. And that's when I want to leave more than anything.

I still don't have friends here.
Yes, I have my family, but sometimes, family isn't what I need. Sometimes, I just need that one person that I know will always be there and isn't part of my problems. Actually, that's not sometimes; it's a lot of the times.

I miss having that one person that I know I can go to no matter what that can keep a smile on my face through anything. That will understand me and not judge me, and that I can just be myself around. I miss it so much.

If I didn't have him, then who else did I have? No one.

I hate that it's so difficult to let go. I hate that I always let myself get so attached, but I've never really had anyone like he was there for me. Could I really be to blame?..

But regardless of my emotions toward him, I'm trying my best to put them aside to give him the push he needs to move forward like he wishes to. It's always been this way. I just want him to be happy more than anything. If me being out of his life is what he needed, as much as it hurts me to still know and recall that fact, I will do my best to push my emotions aside and encourage and support him to keep him happy.

In the meantime, I have so much mending and so much to try and figure out.
There's so much to be thought in so little time...

Why do I have to think so much? /:

Goodbye.

Tomorrow is it; My last day at Rancho Verde High School.

Then, it's Christmas, and then a brand new year...

Wow. Time moves fast.

Today, I looked through my old photobucket, and it brought back too many memories. From my freshmen year to my sophomore year.

Man, how I've changed and grown so much.

But I think I'm ready to move on to a new year. A new start. To a school I've already attended, but maybe meet different people, or just actually enjoy my last semester of high school for once.

This time, it will be different. Hopefully better, but definitely different.

I'm ready. I think.








No; I know I am..

One Year Ago,

I started this blog.

I'm not sure if I will continue writing in this blog or make a new one just yet.

Chances are I'll probably make a new one, but who knows? I change my mind pretty often.

A year ago, my life was so much different than it is now. A year ago, I was happy. Complete.

Now, I don't know where to go from here..



Only time will tell, I guess.

Goodnight.

A Change of Heart.

This week has been pretty...interesting, I guess you can say, ha. A LOT has happened. Looks like I won't be in Perris by the end of December anymore. So, my choices are Rialto and Ontario. I have yet to chose between the two. Personally, I feel that Ontario is a better choice at the moment.. Not just because it's home to me, but I don't know. Well, we'll see what happens.

I just need a break away from everything. I love my family with all of my heart, but I am literally about to snap. But when I feel like this and we get down Riverside Dr. in Rialto, I feel a sense of relief, and I don't know, I just feel home. I guess one of the main issues is that i'm homesick. ha.

Well, yeah, that's pretty much whats been up with that.

Write more later. Bye.

Almost Fixed.

Uhm, yeah, it's been a while since I've blogged. A lot has happened since the last time I've written on here.

All I can really say is I wish I had never moved.

I miss the semi-normal life I haven't had. ha.

How is it possible to miss something that you didn't have for years now?

How is it that everything can just fall apart within a matter of weeks?...

I really need somebody right now.

I miss talking.

I miss being held.

I can't even cry anymore really.

I guess, I just miss him more than anything...

:/

I love you, Penguin. And I miss you...
You'll always have that special place in my heart, my love.
And you'll always be my best friend<33

Sounds and Theory

is a band Andy's in. They are super amazing! I love their music, and I'm Andy's number one fan!! haha. Well anyway, for anyone interested, they are playing at The Wire in Upland on Friday, November 13th, and at the Glasshouse in Pomona on Sunday, November 15th!! The tickets are selling for $10 bucks. So if you guys want to hear really amazing, inspirational music, GO, GO, GO!!! Help support them!!!!

Also they will be selling merchandise soon, so anyone interested in going to their shows hit me up on myspace: myspace.com/straightjacketkid

I will hopefully be attending the show on the 15th and I definitely hope to see you there!!! Thanks for your support!!! (:

Almsot Literally Walking Taller.

This is the longest that I've gone without writing in such a long time. And the sad thing about it is that I have internet, ha. Well, things have been a bit better in some ways I presume. I still have a 3.6 GPA, and I've kept my weight off. I'm still at 183. Uh, for Andy and me? Well, things are working out better I believe. I still don't see him everyday, but three days out of the week is way better than seeing him only once a week. We haven't really fought in the past few weeks, which I know is a good thing.

Thank God that he's stood by my side this whole time. I honestly believe that without him, I would just go insane. I honestly hate being home. It kind of feels like I live alone a lot of the time. Everyone's always on their own. Dad's on the computer or watching a movie, Mom's cooking or talking to my nina or just on her own, Rene's on the computer, and the girls are always in Vivi's room; as for me, I just try to find ways to keep busy too, I guess. Sometimes, it's impossible to do that here though. It's too quiet. And it's the same routine everyday.

I'll wake up, go to school, and come home to nothing. It's sad that sometimes I make myself have homework just so that I have something to do. But it's fine, I guess. I have three A's and 2 B's right now. Don't know if I will for sure have my 4.0 by the end of the sememster, but I'm working at it.

Lately though, I know that God's been helping me out. Like my mom's been cooperating with me about going to see Andy once or twice a week and that's a plus from seeing him on Sundays. Also, Andy got promoted at work, so now he sell's guitars and his pay is higher, and he seems a lot healthier and happier. I'm so happy for him. Although, sometimes, I wish I could be better for him. But I'm really trying my best. I honestly am. I try to go as many times as I can to see him, but gas money is a drag to find. Sometimes, I have to dig for quarters in a drawer and in the car and stuff, haha, but honestly who doesn't do that nowadays?

Yeah, looking for a job up here is the worst. I've applied at a bunch of shopping centers, but most of them are empty a lot of the time, so since business is slow, a lot of stores really don't need people. Ah, economy. I hate it.

But yeah, like I was saying, he got promoted and well, now he has his days off Thursdays and Sundays, and since we go to Rialto every Sunday, I will officially get to spend one whole day with him instead of spending two or three hours with him only. Thank you, God. It feels good to be able to do that. I miss him a lot of the time, but lately I've been seeing more of him, so that's a good thing for our relationship. Uhm, what else is going on?...

Oh, yeah, I dropped choir. It was just getting to be too much on my family and me with the whole money issue. I mean, we barely have enough money to afford for gas and such things, I felt selfish for having to ask for money for a dress and trips cause I know that that money will benefit my family more. Plus, the stress was getting to be too much. Yeah, I could've raised the money somehow, but the truth is, I already have enough to worry about. I honestly didn't want to have to stress anymore than I really need to. And plus it was also a few other things that were bothering me in that class, so I just dropped it. Now, I'm just a TA for my English teacher, Mrs. Thomas. Haha, but I'm the only student in her class cause I'm a TA for her prep period, so sometimes, I have to wait outside and people think I'm ditching, haha.

Honestly, and sadly, I feel less stressed now that I dropped it. My day goes by soo much quicker and I feel like I have a small weight lifted off my shoulders. Yeah, I've taken choir for five years, but this year it just became too much for me. I do miss singing, but what can I do? For now, I just have to focus on my family, which includes Andy, and graduating.

Life at this point is... better? Nah, I'm not really sure if I can say better, but it doesn't feel as miserable as it did a month and a half ago. I mean, I miss home so so so so much. I still miss seeing bums in the street and I miss liquor stores, and not having to drive ten to fifteen minutes to the nearest Wal Mart or Stater Bros. and I miss waiting for Andy to come home and I miss being held by him and I miss being able to do my own thing in my own house and I miss living in a city that's not too loud, but it's not empty, and there's SOME type of ghetto going on, haha. I miss home.

I know that this year, my holidays are gonna be soo much worse than any other year. Most of all cause I won't be at home. I think that helped me feel a bit of spirit. Just knowing that you're home and that you have the person you love most to cuddle with. I really miss that. But who knows? Maybe I can spend half of the holidays with Andy's family and then come home and spend the rest with mine. I don't know. I'll have to make the best of it somehow. But to make matters worse, this is the third year that I've known Andy and I still won't be able to get him anything. I know that he doesn't expect anything, but I wish I could at least give him something small. He deserves it and so much more for all that he's done for me and my family.

All I can do for now, is look forward to a new year. A better year hopefully. One where there will be less struggles. One where I can possibly go home. One where I can start my own life. Possibly have a car, a little bit of money, and gas at all times. One where my dad won't have to worry as much. Oh, God, how I wish for nothing more than for my family not struggle so much anymore. They don't deserve it. I know that we as a family deserve so much better. If anything, we've been there to help soo many people. What have we done wrong? Where did we go wrong?...

Well, all I can do is hope and pray for more strength. For now, I have to be strong. I will proceed my findings for a job, and keep my head up, and keep my GPA up, and keep working on my relationship with Andy. Those are my priorities for now. Well, it was nice to do this and catch up a little on blogging. Happy Halloween to everyone. And for those out there partying and having a good time, be careful. Thanks for reading. God bless!  

7 Days

'til we go to Knott's Scary Farm :DD





How exciting!!



p.s. I've been a bit hopeful.
I know things will get better...



<3

Broadcast to You From a Mind and Soul Under Construction.

For those of you who are blessed enough to be where you'll never know you truly wanted to be,
appreciate it.

I know that this may not make much sense for most of you out there,
but only if you've been through the things that I've experienced,
you would know what I mean.

Nobody will ever know how much pain it costs to not be able to be near the one you love so dearly,
or to have to carry this huge smile on your face, when in all reality, you feel it.
You feel that you're whole world is falling apart, and it's up to only you now to hold everything together.
Nobody knows what it's like to have your entire life just brutally torn away from you within a matter of days. Unless you've been in my shoes for at least five minutes, you'll never know.

Everyone has their story to tell.
I have mine.
My life may not be as bad as others economic-wise,
but I've lived quite enough to know what pain is.

Pain is loving your family so much,
that when both your parents can't work,
you have to see your little sisters wear hand-me-downs,
and not be able to enjoy the life of a normal childhood.

Pain is spending every single day with the only person that has your heart,
and then one day,
you can only spend one day a week with him,
and then everything begins to fall apart.

Pain is trying to hold love together on your own.

Pain is not having stability or security.

Pain is not being able to do one fucken thing.

Pain is having to sit back and watch everything happen when you feel, believe,
and know that it just takes one phone call to fix everything.

Pain is loving to sing more than anything in this world,
but now everytime that you talk out loud for more than ten minutes,
your voice begins to hurt.

Pain is believing that the world doesn't always revolve around money,
and then getting proved completely wrong.

Pain is what my life is about.

It may not be physical pain.
It may not seem as difficult as it reads,
but this is my life.
This is the pain that I go through daily.

Only I will ever know what this feels like in my heart,
because this is my life.

For those of you that complain because you don't like where you live and you have your own house;
For those of you that say you're in love with your boyfriend and have the privilege of being able to see them everyday, but you don't because 'you get annoyed by them';
For those of you that can have and can get what you want and need that you just need to ask your parents for the money and they can give it to you within the snap of a finger;
For those of you who think that you can't;

Learn to appreciate that you have your own house.
Learn to appreciate that you can see your boyfriend everyday.
Learn to appreciate that you can have exactly what you want when you want it.
And for those of you that think that you can't, always remember, and believe that you can...

My life is officially under construction.
I don't want any interruptions.
So if I don't talk to you, or respond back to you,
I'm sorry.
But I have things to fix.
And I will fix them.
Things will be bigger, and better than they ever were.
I promise.

Best Accomplishment By Far.

These past few weeks have been pretty hectic and really stressful for me, and the stress will continue to happen, but thanks to this stress, I've lost 17 pounds since August.

I am now back to weighing 183, and this was all without a diet, ha.

I will be back down to my size 11 pants in no time (:

Okay,

I lied. So what? We're all human right? Well, things aren't back exactly to the way they were, but I'm working on it.

My short term goals right now are:
_Get a job
_Pass this sememster with a 4.0 GPA
_Fix everything with you<3
_Buy Christmas presents for you and my family

Yeah, it's a lot, but I believe that once I find a job, it all should be downhill from there. With the help from God, I will keep my strength, and accomplish these goals. I promise.

Unfortunately Unfortunate.

It's officially here. That point in which I feel hopeless. I feel broken. I feel alone...

Too much has happened to write about.

I kind of want to stop blogging for a while; I'm drained. My heart has never felt so much pain. I hate my life.

I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT!

All I want to do is sleep because dreaming is the only thing that seems logical, and fair at this point.
I hate this!!!! I want him back! I want him back! I NEED HIM.

It's not fair that the only thing stable that I have in my life gets torn away from me. I'm so depressed. I can't even leave this house. I'm so angry!

I just want to sleep. It's the only thing that seems logical at this point in life.

I won't be blogging for a while for those who care or are just being nosy.
Idk how long it will be. I just don't want to do anything right now...

I quit writing.

Have a goodnight everyone, and be grateful that you're not me.

Bye.

So, my dad's back got better. I think, ha. Thank God.


And I have lame homework that I have to get to.




Eh.




P.S. My phone just started acting up bad.

New Goal:

Pass econ with an A.

I have a test tomorrow that I know I'm gonna fail for sure, so I just know I have to work twice as hard on the next chapter.

Lame.

I will pass with an A.

Life In Perris.

It's only been a week and a half, and I already miss hearing the sound of police cars, couples fighting, and some type of birds chirping. I even miss seeing hobos on the corner of streets, ha. It's so quiet here. Don't get me wrong, it's a really nice area, but it's not my scene. I miss living in very polluted areas, and hearing a bunch of cars pass by my house. I miss not having to drive twenty minutes to the nearest Wal Mart, or Stater Bros.

And school is... uhh, small? Ha.

Okay, so after the whole 'Blue Hands' blog, I didn't go to school on Monday which was supposed to be my last day at Chaffey. I was still way too sick to attend, sadly. Which I now regret because now, I am a whole week and a half behind in econ, and I have NO IDEA what they're talking about over here.

Oh yeah, yesterday was my first day of school here in Perris. The school is called Rancho Something High. I keep forgetting. It was a long, stressful day. I have to take Health over here because it's required for graduation over here, which I find annoying because i'm stuck in a class full of a bunch of crappy sophomores. I have to take a psychology class to make up for the elective where I was a T.A. for Mr. Lewis at Chaffey. The teacher seems pretty cool though. I hope it's as interesting as I thought it would be. Econ is a pain in the butt. I feel like I'm so behind, and I'm so lost.

On the plus side, their choir seems really interesting. All of the kids in the class are really friendly, and they're really good. And they travel. They plan on going to Seattle in the spring. The down side is that it costs $750 dollars per student. And they don't do fundraisers. They want to us to pay off the trip in monthly payments until we get to $750 by springtime. It sucks for me, cause I don't have $150 to give for a deposit, and even if I did, how do I even know if I'm still going to be here by the end of the school year? It'll just be a waste of money. Their dresses cost $85 dollars as well. I'm thinking of just dropping choir for this year. It seems too expensive for my family's conditions. I don't know. It's still something to ponder deeply about.

As for Andy's and my relationship, it's gotten really tough on us. Imagine going from seeing the person you love most everyday to seeing them only on the weekends. It's really, really hard. Especially because we are the only thing each other has. I miss him more and more everyday. Yes, I do have my license, but it's still difficult for me, because my family and I only have one car. It's hard to go out and be with him for just two hours because my family will probably need the car that day for something else. And to make matters worse, I don't even have a cell phone. My family shares one phone, and the majority of the time, my brother has it, or my mom's using it to talk to my grandma and talk to others as well. I feel bad asking for it and hogging it up for a whole day. Thank God I just got Internet though. Right now, that's all I can count on. I'd be so lost without it, ha.

Oh, and to add on to my whole sob story, my dad's back is really messed up again. He can barely walk. That whole situation with his back is a big mess. I just want my dad's court case to settle already. I would explain more into detail what exactly is going on, but it's too much to explain.

Well, yeah. That's been my whole experience here in Perris for now. I know, I sound like I'm complaining a lot and that I'm not grateful for what I have, but reality is, I am grateful. We have a roof over our heads, food on the table, health (well, most of us anyway), etc.I'm really happy for that. I know that God is putting us through this all for a good reason. We just have to be more patient and see what's next, and wait for some kind of sign. In the meantime, I have to work on staying positive, being there for my family, and Andy, and trying to keep my grade up in econ. Yeah, I miss home a lot, but the only left to do is move on and keep my head held high, right?